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Meghan takes role in EastEnders

THE Duchess of Sussex has announced she has been offered a major role in the soap opera EastEnders.

Meghan, forced back to the UK by her husband, believes if she is going to be in every tabloid and gossip magazine anyway she may as well go right where their bottom-feeding readers live.

She said: “I swoop in from America, prove I’m the real owner of the Queen Vic and kick Alfie Moon and the Slaters onto the street. See? You hate me already.

“Next I begin a flirtation with Jack Branning while also contracting Phil Mitchell to do a little illegal gun-running for me on the side and, I don’t know, help Honey Mitchell romance scam Mark Fowler Jr or whatever. All the usual shit.

“Anyway, once the viewers despise me so much they can’t sleep we’ll turn it all around. I’ll save Phil from his demons, uncover a illegal adoption ring running out of the laundrette, and, being unable to tell TV from reality, the audience will think I’m bloody brilliant again.

“The acting will be easy. I have first-hand experience of dysfunctional English families alive with bullshit drama from the last ten years.”

Following the news, the Princess of Wales has announced she will make a special guest appearance in Emmerdale as the living fount of all that is good and holy and resurrect six characters, which is not uncommon over there.

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The six stages of disillusionment with your club's summer buys

HEADY with anticipation at a man you’ve never heard of signing for the club you support? These are the six stages in your journey to hatred: 

Optimism

He’s Spanish, or Argentinian, or Brazilian, and he scored eight in Georgia’s Erovnuli Liga last year so this is clearly a next-level signing. He can’t help but be an incredible find by your club’s expert scouts and £30 million will be a bloody bargain when he takes us into the Champions League.

Denial

He needs match fitness. He was shit on his debut, admittedly, and subbed off the game after but early days. Ignore the fact he’s a professional athlete with f**k all to do all week but work on his fitness. How out of condition can you be when you’re running around all day, being watched every second in the gym and on a closely monitored diet?

Bargaining

It’s hard to adapt to another country and the weather’s not like it is at home. Never mind that he has an army of people looking after him, lives in a massive house and his girlfriend, mother and little sister are all here too. Perhaps he needs to adjust to our style of play? It’s so different to other clubs, definitely not all about kicking the ball between those two posts.

Anger

F**king well injured now. Bloody prima donna pulled up with his hamstring or ACL or some other medical phrase you claim to understand like an expert even though you don’t have basic first aid. He’ll be off for eight weeks, long enough for you to forget his underwhelming performances so far and build him up to be the next Rodri again.

Depression

First game back, sent off. Pissing joker left you down to ten men at Old Trafford and you got battered as a result. Two-match ban incoming. F**k it. Time to start shouting about how shit he is.

Acceptance

Loaned out to Preston North End. By now you’d almost forgotten he was on the club’s books. Signed in August, on his way down the footballing ladder by spring. Never mind, he’s bound to come back next season better for the playing experience. Are we still paying his £130k a week wages? F**k’s sake.

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