Michael Jackson Was 'Black'

MICHAEL Jackson was a black man, it was claimed last night.

Actor Jamiee Foxxxx stunned the audience at the Black Entertainment Television Awards by announcing the late singer was 'one of us' before introducing a series of tributes performed by people who, according to experts, were definitely not the same colour as Michael Jackson.

It had been assumed that Jackson was adopted by a black family who covered his face in boot polish and shoved him on stage where they used ropes and pulleys to make him dance.

And biographers agree that when he reached his mid 20s and established a successful solo career, he decided to wash off the boot polish once and for all and return to his white, middle-class insane roots.

Dermatologist Dr Tom Booker said: "If by some rare biological process Mick Huknall turned black then he would be a real black man and racists would discriminate against him accordingly. Racists don't beat up white people who can dance."

Later this week the Islamic Entertainment Television Awards will say Jackson was a Muslim, while the Jehova's Witnesses will knock on 20 million doors to claim he was one of their lot.

But a spokesman for the Society of Men With a Penchant for Firm, Young Male Bodies insisted: "He belonged to us. We shared him with the world."

In Los Angeles the police investigation into the singer's death is now focused on who was administering large amounts of money to Jackson's doctor.

A source said: "It seems he was getting a daily cocktail of prescription money. Twenties, fifties, personal cheques.

"Sadly it's all very typical. Young doctors getting into the business soon find themselves surrounded by money and far too many of them develop a chronic, lifelong addiction. And of course when you're a doctor it is very easy to get your hands on lots of different kinds of money."

Meanwhile the Jackson family has requested a second autopsy after an interim report found that the singer was 'basically an elongated cardboard container filled with pills'.

Showbusiness insiders have speculated that Jackson may have been trying to sound like a tube of Smarties whenever he moved in a bid to make himself more appealing to children.

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Working Immigrants Branded Lazy By Daily Mail

WORKING immigrants have been branded as 'scandalously self-sufficient' after £10bn in benefits went unclaimed last year.

Now the Daily Mail has launched a campaign to force immigrants to collect all the money that is due to them so they can then attack them for getting it.

Editor Paul Dacre said: "They come over here and can't even be bothered to steal bread out of decent British mouths.

"Many of them, employed in some fancy unskilled job, probably think British benefits are beneath them."

The Department for Work and Pensions has tried to encourage new claims, displaying posters in betting shops, sponsoring the Ultimate Fighting Championship on Sky TV and branding a freephone helpline number onto packets of Findus Crispy Pancakes.

But Mr Dacre added: "It would seem that our foreign friends do not want to integrate into our society and adhere to cherished British customs such as a childlike dependence on the State."

Dr Tom Logan, of the Institute for Studies, said: "It seems there are far less worthless scroungers around than initially thought. That said, you better claim what's yours as soon as possible because this time next year we'll all be staring at a big, shiny pot of fuck-all."

Logan said the £10bn figure could also be reduced within the next two weeks, as there are currently 450 MPs applying for a crisis loan to buy a case of Montrachet and some Glyndebourne tickets.