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Middle-aged man thinking about Jenny Agutter again

A MIDDLE-AGED man has once again found his thoughts circling back to the actress Jenny Agutter, it has emerged.

55-year-old Martin Bishop has yet again had his day-to-day thoughts of work and bills interrupted by visions of the beautiful cinema star of the Seventies, Jenny Agutter.

Bishop said: “I thought I was over her. Still, it’s nice to have a picture of her in my mind’s eye. It matches the photo I secretly keep of her in my wallet.

“No matter how hard I try to distract myself, I keep getting dragged back to her stunning oeuvre as a performer. At least that’s what I tell myself when I start to have recollections of her in The Railway Children.

“And I keep reminiscing over An American Werewolf in London because it’s a film of such high calibre. Especially that long scene of her in the shower, which runs for two minutes and nine seconds if memory serves.

“She’s still got it, too. As shown by her stellar turn as Sister Julienne in Call the Midwife, which does sometimes feel like my pathetic, ageing libido is commissioning TV shows. Not that I’m complaining.”

Bishop’s wife said: “What a peculiar coincidence. I keep thinking about Robert Redford during our bi-annual lovemaking.”

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Man qualifies as hottie, for bus

A MEDIOCRE-LOOKING man has qualified as attractive in the context of a bus, it has emerged.

Tom Logan, who would otherwise be ranked as a six out of ten on a good day in the real world, has been classified as sexually attractive when compared to the hordes of hideous undesirables commonly found riding a bus.

Fellow passenger Emma Bradford said: “Elsewhere I wouldn’t look twice at Tom’s unremarkable face. But here, among this gaggle of exhausted commuters and pensioners, he’s an Adonis.

“Perhaps it’s the exhaust fumes talking, but I reckon I could actually look at Tom naked without being sick. If I had to make out with any of my fellow passengers, it would definitely be him by default.

“His underbite is barely noticeable from where I’m sitting. And his receding hairline almost looks distinguished against a backdrop of worn out seats and cracked windows. Of course those flaws will become immediately apparent the second I get off at my stop.

“I’m guessing he’s only blessing us with his presence because this is his rail replacement service. That’s the only possible explanation for someone of his middling calibre slumming it with us uggos.”

Logan said: “That man with relatively straight teeth better not flag us down or I’m f**ked.”

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