Music industry to help hot homeless people

THOUSANDS of physically attractive people don’t have anywhere to live, according to pop stars.

Following Miley Cyrus’s appearance with a good-looking rough sleeper at the VMAs, the music industry has affirmed its commitment to helping the ‘hot homeless’.

Beyonce said: “We need to get hot people off the streets and into music videos.

“They need food and we need skinny backing dancers, it’s the perfect synergy.”

Record label bosses have launched Action for Hot Homelessness, which aims to get the best-looking 10 per cent of rough sleepers album deals.

A spokesman said: “Seeing hot people sleeping in the gutter is an affront to everything the entertainment industry stands for.

“I don’t want to live in a world where good-looking individuals aren’t spraying each other with champagne on massive boats.”

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Poor people prefer shit things, say Tories

GOVERNMENT cuts affect poor people less because they like horrible cheap shit, the Conservatives have explained.

The party said economic deprivation could be a good thing because it prevented the poor from being exposed to unfamiliar and frightening experiences.

A spokesman said: “A dinner party would be incredibly traumatic for people who only eat frozen ready meals. A whole chicken would look like an alien to them and they’d either attack it or call Sky News.

“Seeing a Shakespeare play would make them think they’d gone back in time and start frantically looking for a rift in the space-time continuum.

“It would be worse if David Tennant was in it because they’d be expecting Daleks to appear.”

The spokesman added: “We will try to keep the horrible, cheap shit as cheap and horrible as possible.”