Nigel Slater: 'I f**k toast'

MUCH-LOVED cookery writer Nigel Slater has confessed that his passion for toast goes beyond the kitchen and into the bedroom.

While Slater has always made his love of the simple breakfast staple clear in cookbooks and memoirs, this week he tearfully admitted that he often wakes up in the morning with a bed full of buttery crumbs. 

In an emotional statement, he gave fans an unflinchingly honest account of his relationships with slices of crusty warm bread. 

He said: “It’s time I came clean. My relationship with toast has evolved from one between a chef and his meal into a nightly, all-out f**kfest.

“One night while working on a Guardian recipe of burrata and pearl barley or some shit, I realised that me and the Hovis in my bread bin could take things to a whole new level. And by that I mean I stuck my dick in it. It just felt so right.

“I admit I went through a promiscuous phase with toast, but any celebrity chef will tell you there’s no shortage of attractive, willing bread that’s only too happy to hop under the grill for you.”

Never one to hold back on culinary advice, Slater was forthright about his erotic bread preferences. 

He said: “It might be more politically correct to say I don’t have a preference in terms of looks, but I find a bit of warm ciabatta dripping in Lurpak goes down best – if you catch my drift.”

He added: “I want to make clear that none of this is because I’m from Wolverhampton.”

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'It was worth Thatcher for the tits': Britain thanks Rupert Murdoch

THE UK has agreed the 50-year rule of Rupert Murdoch over all aspects of their nation and politics gave so much more than it took.

Britons have looked back over lives ruled by the whims of an Australian press baron and decided it was worth Thatcher and Brexit for that funny headline about George Michael.

Wayne Hayes, aged 62, said: “Yes, the breaking of the unions, yes, the destruction of the post-war welfare state, yes, rampant misogyny, but the Sun was dead-on about football transfers.

“They had the scoop about Andy Cole going to Man United before anyone else. For me that counterbalances when I saw that Kinnock lightbulb front page and decided to vote John Major and eventually lost my house.”

Eleanor Shaw of Falkirk said: “Sure, stuff like Hillsborough, Kill an Argie Bingo, the relentless campaign of homophobia during the AIDS crisis, calling Frank Bruno a loony and that whole Ben Stokes business looks bad. But then you’ve got Page 3.

“Printing pictures of big-breasted women for 40 years, often when they were only 16, has to be a net positive. I myself am a DD-cup and being compared to a page 3 girl in the playground always made me blush with delight and happiness.”

Ordinary rough-around-the-edges working bloke Sir Keir Starmer agreed: “Yeah, it’s a bit of alright the Sun, innit? Dolly birds and that? Wait, do I not have to do this anymore?”