Noel Edmonds 'Should Donate Organs Immediately'

TV quiz show host Noel Edmonds should be required to donate his major organs, preferably today, according to a new opinion poll.

Chief Medical Officer Sir Liam Donaldson has called for the forced removal of organs in order to make Britain a more decent society.

Sir Liam had suggested a trial programme involving vagrants and traffic wardens, but polls now show the public mood is in favour of opening up the Deal or No Deal tycoon.

A MCI/Canter poll asked a representative sample of 1024 British adults when Noel Edmonds organs should be removed.

Ten per cent said doctors should wait until he has a helicopter accident, 25 per cent said 'sometime in the next month' while an overwhelming 65 per cent said, 'immediately'.

Edmonds was a popular figure during the 1970s when he presented Swap Shop and Top of the Pops.

But his popularity took a dip when he moved to Crinkly Bottom, his fictional hell-hole, and by the late 1990s he was the subject of several five-figure bounties.

His reappearance three years ago at the helm of the Channel 4 game show was described by one commentator as a "wanton act of provocation".

Sir Liam said: "I would have preferred to use vagrants. But at the end of the day I just want the organs and I'm not going to go around asking a lot of awkward questions."

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Cameron To Campaign For Sex With Goats

The Conservative Party will fight the next election promising to reintroduce the public strangling of traffic wardens and the legalisation of environmentally-friendly goat sex. 

Party leader David Cameron said the policies, chosen by the public as part of the Conservative's "Stand Up, Speak Up" manifesto project, reflected the values of middle England in the 21st century.

Other measures will include reform of the "outdated and catch-all" laws of perjury to allow senior members of the Tory party to lie in court.

There will also be indefinite detention and hard labour without trial for anyone who does not look "quite right".

The Tory leader said: "If people want to speak up for the right to lie down and have sex with goats, who am I to argue?"

However, Mr Cameron did rule out the legalisation of same-sex or underage goat intercourse. "We are the party of the family," he said. "We'll leave perversion to the Lib Dems."

Other popular Tory online manifesto commitments include:

  • A complete ban on fat people in public places, except Fatty Soames.

  • Instant deportation for anyone caught "acting European".

  • A new form of particularly cruel and unusual execution because "hanging is actually too good for them".