Off you f**k, Queen told Cameron

THE Queen assured David Cameron that he was her worst prime minister ‘by miles’.

It has emerged that when Mr Cameron tendered his resignation to the Queen at Buckingham Palace, Her Majesty interrupted him and said: “Including your good self, I have been served by 12 prime minsters.

“I liked Sir Winston, because he fancied me, Macmillan was like something out of Dickens and Wilson was a cheeky little Yorkshire monkey. The rest of them were a bit… weird. Especially Mr Brown. Very strange man.

“But you, Mr Cameron, are a prize arse.

“Northern Ireland has gone all wobbly, Scotland is half way out the bloody door, meanwhile most of my subjects are scared shitless and we’re seeing a delightful upsurge in racism. Well played Mr Cameron, well played.”

The Queen added: “If I see you round here again, I will order the Grenadier Guards to dangle you from the front gates by the waistband of your underpants and then get some tourists to throw fistfuls of cheap ham at your big, shiny face.

“Then again, from what I hear, you’d probably love that, you dirty bugger. Not even Prince Andrew has done that, and – trust me – that boy is a freak.

“Anyway, I digress. Off. You. Fuck.”

It is understood that as Mr Cameron left the Palace, he turned to his wife Samantha and said: “Actually, that went reasonably well.”

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May 'definitely not' an evil robot made of tin

THERESA May is ‘definitely not’ a robot made from scrap metal by a spiteful wizard.

Downing Street insisted there is ‘no way’ the United Kingdom’s new prime minister is actually a tin robot with realistic human hair.

A spokesman said: “We’ve seen her up close and can confirm that her eyes are not just LED bulbs and she does not emit a faint whirring sound.

“Her ankles are normal ankles – not made of cogs – and so are her knees. She was not made by an insane sorcerer who pops by occasionally to oil her hinges. Absolutely no way.”

Mrs May’s former neighbour Julian Cook said: “Even though my dog used to bark frantically whenever she came near, I have no reason to believe Mrs May is anything other than a normal person.

“I saw her trap her thumb in a car door once and she did what any of us would have done – gently lift the car out of the way and carry on with her day.”