TV CHEF Jamie Oliver forced a group of boys to try and achieve sexual fruition after they had encountered Cherie Blair, it has been claimed.
The alleged incident happened during the recording of the fat-tongued do-gooder’s new series Jamie’s Total Arsehole School, where a group of wayward teenagers is lectured by weapons-grade fuckers including Blair, David Starkey and even Alastair Campbell.
After an introductory session by Blair, the boys were asked for a semen sample by kindly mad professor Robert Winston, who had been tasked with capturing their DNA for the still-in-development series Jamie’s Sperm Chefs.
Tom Logan, 15, said: “As a boy in the prime of teenagehood, I am usually frotting myself relentlessly, like a bonobo monkey possessed by the spirit of Jack Nicholson.
“But after meeting that woman I could do nothing but stare flaccidly into the beaker, trying desperately to form a mental image of Lucy Pinder, Tera Patrick or even Sonia from Eastenders.”
He added: “She looks like Carol Vorderman re-imagined by Tim Burton and after catching her gaze I can feel a gaping hole in my chest where my soul used to be.”
Classmate, Stephen Malley, said: “Since meeting Cherie Blair I haven’t been able to produce any fluid except tears.”
A Channel Four spokesman said: “While we may have to rethink the semen-capture, this programme will still be a fascinating insight into what Britain’s schools could be like if they were staffed by people Jamie Oliver has met at north London dinner parties.”
He added: “Some of these kids have grown up in tough environments where it’s considered cool to be a lying sack of shit with no scruples.
“Alastair Campbell will teach them they can be rich and successful without compromising in any way.”