Oliver made teenage boys give semen sample after meeting Cherie Blair

TV CHEF Jamie Oliver forced a group of boys to try and achieve sexual fruition after they had encountered Cherie Blair, it has been claimed.

The alleged incident happened during the recording of the fat-tongued do-gooder’s new series Jamie’s Total Arsehole School, where a group of wayward teenagers is lectured by weapons-grade fuckers including Blair, David Starkey and even Alastair Campbell.

After an introductory session by Blair, the boys were asked for a semen sample by kindly mad professor Robert Winston, who had been tasked with capturing their DNA for the still-in-development series Jamie’s Sperm Chefs.

Tom Logan, 15, said: “As a boy in the prime of teenagehood, I am usually frotting myself relentlessly, like a bonobo monkey possessed by the spirit of Jack Nicholson.

“But after meeting that woman I could do nothing but stare flaccidly into the beaker, trying desperately to form a mental image of Lucy Pinder, Tera Patrick or even Sonia from Eastenders.”

He added: “She looks like Carol Vorderman re-imagined by Tim Burton and after catching her gaze I can feel a gaping hole in my chest where my soul used to be.”

Classmate, Stephen Malley, said: “Since meeting Cherie Blair I haven’t been able to produce any fluid except tears.”

A Channel Four spokesman said: “While we may have to rethink the semen-capture, this programme will still be a fascinating insight into what Britain’s schools could be like if they were staffed by people Jamie Oliver has met at north London dinner parties.”

He added: “Some of these kids have grown up in tough environments where it’s considered cool to be a lying sack of shit with no scruples.

“Alastair Campbell will teach them they can be rich and successful without compromising in any way.”



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Don't suppose you could invite Gaddafi? BP asks Kate

BP has asked Prince William and Kate Middleton if there is any chance
they could invite Colonel Gaddafi to their wedding in April.

The oil giant hopes the Libyan leader can be squeezed in beside the King
of Bahrain or, if space is tight, he could even just come to the
evening reception ‘for a drink and a boogie’.

BP head of corporate affairs and former MP for Sedgefield, Tony Blair,
said Gaddafi was fine with the no-kids rule but he is lactose intolerant, doesn’t eat fish and he’s a psychopath.

Blair added: “He doesn’t mean to be a pain but if he has dairy products
his face swells up and he gets this really nasty rash under his arms.

“If you could ditch the cheese course and replace the chocolate mousse with honey-glazed pears that would be brilliant.

“Also, if anyone says anything he doesn’t like he will shoot them right
in the face, so if you can put him on a table with people he knows that should
prevent a horrifying bloodbath.

“The last thing you want is Colonel Gaddafi sat next to some marketing arsehole asking him what he does.”

A spokesman for Clarence House said: “If we invite Colonel Gaddafi then
we have to invite Brian and Susan and if we invite Brian and Susan then
Gemma has to come and before you know it you’ve invited Robert
Mugabe, Kim Jong-il and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. And we really don’t want to
invite Gemma.”

Across Britain opinion was divided with some insisting realpolitik
required Britain to invite Gaddafi while others said what in the name of
the fuck is wrong with you, he’s a murdering psychopath and if some
people at BP lose their jobs they can always spend a couple of years
working out whether unemployment is better or worse than being machined
gunned in the head.

Helen Archer, from Stevenage, added: “While he does seem thoroughly unpleasant, they have invited David and Victoria Beckham.”