CHARLES will become king when I am cold in the ground and not a minute earlier, the Queen has confirmed.
Reports had suggested that Elizabeth was preparing to step down in favour of her son and the succubus Camilla Parker-Bowles.
But Her Majesty has made it abundantly clear that Charles will have to prise the crown jewels from her cold dead hands before he will be allowed anywhere near Buckingham Palace.
She said: “Let Charles have a go? Not on your fucking life. The only way I’m leaving here is in a box.
“It’s for the sake of the grandkids. The second that chinless wonder gets in and the public realises what a tit he is, everything will go a bit Oliver Cromwell.
“Let him fanny about with architecture while attempting to produce the world’s most expensive biscuits. That’s his level.
“I should tell him homeopaths are barred from the succession, just to see the look on his stupid face.”
She added that if he was serious about being king, he should have raised an army and invaded from Scotland, in keeping with tradition.