Over my dead f**king body, says Queen

CHARLES will become king when I am cold in the ground and not a minute earlier, the Queen has confirmed.

Reports had suggested that Elizabeth was preparing to step down in favour of her son and the succubus Camilla Parker-Bowles.

But Her Majesty has made it abundantly clear that Charles will have to prise the crown jewels from her cold dead hands before he will be allowed anywhere near Buckingham Palace.

She said: “Let Charles have a go? Not on your fucking life. The only way I’m leaving here is in a box.

“It’s for the sake of the grandkids. The second that chinless wonder gets in and the public realises what a tit he is, everything will go a bit Oliver Cromwell.

“Let him fanny about with architecture while attempting to produce the world’s most expensive biscuits. That’s his level.

“I should tell him homeopaths are barred from the succession, just to see the look on his stupid face.”

She added that if he was serious about being king, he should have raised an army and invaded from Scotland, in keeping with tradition.

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90 per cent of people want to post 'so?' under everyone's status updates

MOST people just want to write ‘so?’ underneath every status update they see on Facebook, it has been confirmed.

With Facebook now essentially adverts, personal trivia and pictures of the children of people you vaguely know, millions of users said they wanted most of all to express their utter indifference.

Tom Booker, from Stevenage, said: “Sister’s friend passed her driving theory – So?

“That guy I went to school with had a pint of real ale – So?

“I’m an uncle again. Big fucking woop.

“But if I was to actually be honest and write it, that makes me the bad guy.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, form the Institute for Studies, added: “It’s like my mum used to say, ‘If you haven’t got anything nice to write about someone’s status update, don’t write anything at all.’”

“Or was that Confucius?”