Paul Mescal: seven celebrities every woman believes she could pull in the right circumstances

AS women we scoff at male delusions that it it came to it, they could pilot an aircraft to an emergency landing. While simultaneously believing these men are within our reach: 

Paul Mescal

He’s not that hot, and he’s only from Ireland. So while it takes five tequilas to get up courage to talk to any guy, by the sixth you’d be holding eye contact with Paul and enchanting him with the tale of the hen night you went to in Dublin. It’d be just like Normal People, in that he wouldn’t tell anyone you’d had sex.

Leonardo DiCaprio

Under-25s only, obviously, but as long as you’ve not turned into a hideous hag of 26 he’s not picky. He can’t afford to be, the rate he goes through women. Bump into him while carrying proof-of-age documentation and it’ll be love at first ID check and a night on a yacht.

Martin Lewis

He’s only on the daytime A-list but it still counts. He’s duty-bound to take any opportunity which offers excellent value for money, so a free shag from you definitely counts, and he’s hard for money-saving tips. Show him the deal you got on your phone contract and he’s a notional notch on the bedpost.

Idris Elba

The reason he seems so sexy on the small screen? He already fancies you. He knows you’re watching and he’s into it. Every time he smoulders at the camera, it’s a secret communication to you and you alone that he would do you within 20 minutes of a first meeting.

Ed Miliband

Still counts as a celebrity, and currently running to become net zero secretary so he’s in no position to turn you down. He needs the votes, you need the cunnilingus, you’re happy to go to the Sundays with revelations that forget 2015, the lad’s learned his way around a bacon sandwich.

Harry Styles

That fanfic romcom where a boyband brit gets with someone’s mum wasn’t just a cash-in for Anne Hathaway. It is solid evidence that Mr Styles would fall in love with a ordinary, normal MILF like you if you happened to stumble into him drunk in Reflex. Or if not him then definitely Liam Payne.

Nigella Lawson

There’s level of delusion reserved for the straight woman who firmly believes, post-prosecco, that if she were gay she would not only absolutely clean up with the lesbians but turn other straight girls too. Top of her hitlist? Nigella. Because if she’s able to get that excited about a caramel pot, she’ll definitely be down for your fanny.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Office arseholes into football again

OBNOXIOUS knobheads in your office have announced a programme of mandatory football enjoyment to accompany Euro 2024. 

The wankers, who include in their number several senior managers so cannot be ignored, have switched from being the fonts of all political knowledge to enthusing about the upcoming tournament and insisting you join in.

Helen Archer, who just wants to do her f**king work and go home, said: “Oh, is it twat time already? Yes, I can see the wallcharts.

“No mention of football until last Friday, and suddenly they’re speculating about whether Slovenia are the dark horse of the competition and whether Xherdan Shaqiri can raise his game. And here’s me, not giving an shit.

“They’ve all got the new shirts, they’ve all got a second team for when England inevitably fail, they spend all morning discussing who’ll cover John Stones if he ventures forward as a false ten as if it f**king matters, and there’s a sweepstake. Of course there is.

“Today they’re outdoing each other with obscure trivia. Presumably whoever has the most niche knowledge wears the the captain’s armband for Team Gobshite. Who cares if France spent 37 per cent of their time out of possession in a mid-block in 2022? Who could?

“There’s no way they can keep this up for a whole month. Not with the election, Wimbledon and the Olympics all following hard and fast. They’ll reach cognitive overload and burn out one by one.

“The rest of us can’t wait, we’re doing a sweepstake.”