AS women we scoff at male delusions that it it came to it, they could pilot an aircraft to an emergency landing. While simultaneously believing these men are within our reach:
Paul Mescal
He’s not that hot, and he’s only from Ireland. So while it takes five tequilas to get up courage to talk to any guy, by the sixth you’d be holding eye contact with Paul and enchanting him with the tale of the hen night you went to in Dublin. It’d be just like Normal People, in that he wouldn’t tell anyone you’d had sex.
Leonardo DiCaprio
Under-25s only, obviously, but as long as you’ve not turned into a hideous hag of 26 he’s not picky. He can’t afford to be, the rate he goes through women. Bump into him while carrying proof-of-age documentation and it’ll be love at first ID check and a night on a yacht.
Martin Lewis
He’s only on the daytime A-list but it still counts. He’s duty-bound to take any opportunity which offers excellent value for money, so a free shag from you definitely counts, and he’s hard for money-saving tips. Show him the deal you got on your phone contract and he’s a notional notch on the bedpost.
Idris Elba
The reason he seems so sexy on the small screen? He already fancies you. He knows you’re watching and he’s into it. Every time he smoulders at the camera, it’s a secret communication to you and you alone that he would do you within 20 minutes of a first meeting.
Ed Miliband
Still counts as a celebrity, and currently running to become net zero secretary so he’s in no position to turn you down. He needs the votes, you need the cunnilingus, you’re happy to go to the Sundays with revelations that forget 2015, the lad’s learned his way around a bacon sandwich.
Harry Styles
That fanfic romcom where a boyband brit gets with someone’s mum wasn’t just a cash-in for Anne Hathaway. It is solid evidence that Mr Styles would fall in love with a ordinary, normal MILF like you if you happened to stumble into him drunk in Reflex. Or if not him then definitely Liam Payne.
Nigella Lawson
There’s level of delusion reserved for the straight woman who firmly believes, post-prosecco, that if she were gay she would not only absolutely clean up with the lesbians but turn other straight girls too. Top of her hitlist? Nigella. Because if she’s able to get that excited about a caramel pot, she’ll definitely be down for your fanny.
