Piers Morgan 'to go undercover at Hogwarts'

PIERS Morgan plans to use his ‘skills as a journalist’ to discover the truth about a controversial school he claims was founded by JK Rowling.

The television personality believes Rowling is ‘using her position of trust to brainwash the pupils against Lord Voldemort, who could do amazing things if hysterical liberals would just shut up’.

Morgan told a ‘friend’: “Rowling reckons I’m some sort of idiot, but I’ve seen the documentaries and I know what’s going on at this institution, which, by the way, makes Rowling millions in fees every year.

“My only worry is that my very close friends Robbie Coltrane and Michael Gambon have been duped into working there, taken in by Rowling’s vast propaganda machine.

“I’ll have to make sure they don’t recognise me and say, ‘Hey, Piers, my best mate, how are you doing, best mate?’.”

Morgan is currently at King’s Cross station running repeatedly into a brick wall between platforms nine and 10.

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Hipster coffee shop worker fired for playing Lighthouse Family

A BARISTA at a fashionable urban cafe has been sacked for playing The Lighthouse Family.

Patrons of the Unbearable Lightness of Bean coffee shop heard almost two and a half minutes of 1996 pop-soul hit Lifted after barista Stephen Malley found it on Spotify.

Shift manager Mary Fisher said: “I spoke to him about this last week when he tried to play that Simply Red live album.

“This isn’t fucking Costa, and even Costa would probably have a bit of Moloko or some deep house remix of Katy Perry.

“Our music policy is ‘whatever makes you smile’, but obviously that means minimal techno, post-punk and glitchcore.” 

Malley said: “Maybe I’m just working on a deeper layer of irony that my boss. Or maybe I just like the Lighthouse Family and also happen to think Lisa Stansfield is very underrated.”

The Lighthouse Family were recently considered by the hipster high council for a semi-ironic revival, but were passed over in favour of Galliano.