Adults who read books for kids excited again

ADULTS who only read books for children are thrilled at the announcement of a new trilogy by His Dark Materials author Philip Pullman. 

The Book Of Dust trilogy will once again follow a special magical child in a fantasy world of talking animals and be unashamedly read on trains by 45-year-olds. 

Susan Traherne of Nottingham said: “Well thank God he’s given up on his misguided idea of writing adult books and given his middle-aged fans what they want. 

“It’s been a lean few years, I have to admit. I was forced to read the Harry Potter play script because all the books aimed at children were too childish. 

“The Dark Materials trilogy is based on Paradise Lost, you know, so it’s very sophisticated. No, I wouldn’t read Paradise Lost myself. That’s for grown-ups.” 

Traherne added: “My friend kept recommending The Hunger Games books but, you know, they’re Young Adult. I don’t think I’m ready for those yet. Maybe when I’m 50.” 

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Couple who 'don’t have to talk all the time' clearly going to split up

A COUPLE who claim to enjoy spending long periods of time in silence are quite obviously doomed, it has emerged.

Wayne Hayes and Nikki Hollis like to imply their relationship is so good that talking is unnecessary, but may just have fuck all to say to each other.

Friend Donna Sheridan said: “Wayne and Nikki seem to believe not needing to talk is this incredible thing, but I think they’re confusing ‘being deeply in love’ with ‘quietly simmering mutual resentment’.

Hayes said: “Nikki and I often sit for hours without speaking while I look at work stuff on my laptop and she fiddles with her phone. That’s a sign of a really strong relationship.

“We’re so comfortable with each other we don’t need to be constantly yapping, although a few times I’ve thought Nikki was silently enjoying my company and she’d actually fallen asleep.

“It’s great we have this deep unspoken bond, plus it means Nikki rarely tells me about her tedious job, which bores me shitless.”

Hollis said: “I’m so lucky not to be with my old boyfriend who wouldn’t stop chatting and telling me jokes. I might look him up on Facebook to remind myself how terrible it was.”