Arsenal can't remember if they are still in Champions League

THE Champions League has returned after a lengthy break and nobody at Arsenal is sure whether they have gone out yet.

Arsenal staff now face a race against time to find out whether the club will be required to fly across Europe to be overwhelmed by someone like Barcelona or Bayern Munich.

Arsene Wenger said: “This is definitely the time of year when we usually go out of the Champions League.

“In fact I tend to mark it in my diary for a week or so after we surrender the title race, which would make it this week.

“But it’s also totally possible that we imploded in the group stage, lost to someone like Ludogorets and have already gone out, in which case I can make dinner plans for tonight.”

If Arsenal are unable to find a fixture list, they are expected to travel to Munich anyway and to fly back the next day presuming they have lost 3-1. 

Fan Tom Logan said: “I have vague memories of the group stage happening, but that could’ve been last year or an advert for a computer game.

“Being an Arsenal fan you tend to lose any sense of time passing. In many ways it’s like being a toddler, or a dog, you simply alternate between wild, delirious excitement and incandescent rage.”

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Being a bellend 'is key to Tinder success'

A POPULAR Tinder user has shared advice on being a predictable bellend who just says things other people want to hear.

Sales executive Martin Bishop gets many approving ‘swipe-rights’ on the dating service thanks to crafting a blandly hip persona that large numbers of morons like.

Bishop said: “It’s not just about having a picture that doesn’t really look like you, it’s also important to like things that are trendy in an obvious way, so I love sushi.

“You also need an aspirational hobby on your profile. It’s fine to lie, and I’m actually starting to believe I’m getting a helicopter licence.

“It’s also good to describe yourself as a very spiritual person. It’s the kind of vague bullshit that makes you sound deep without having to think about anything.

“Don’t forget some great humour like ‘Love partying, hate sprouts!’. And the gym. Mention the gym.

“Everyone loves the gym.”

Tinder user Emma Bradford said: “Martin thinks horses are very spiritual creatures and hates sprouts. I must have sex with him.”