Pope opens inaugural mass with ten minutes of audience banter

POPE Francis has opened his inaugural mass by engaging the front row in a few minutes of cheeky chit-chat.

The new Pope confirmed his informal, off-the-cuff style by picking on crowd members at St Peter’s Square with distinguishing characteristics.

Pope Francis said: “So…any Catholics in today?”

After his initial question met with a deafening cheer, the Pope continued: “How about anyone from a small provincial village?”

Having elicited a show of around two hundred thousand hands, the Pope then chose a man in a hat, asking him what his name was.

“Domingo,” came the reply, although the Pope deliberately misinterpreted this as ‘Domino’, for comic effect.

The Pope said: “So, Domingo, God tells me you’re a homosexual.”

After a short pause, the Pope continued: “Just messing with you, no seriously it’s going to be a great mass today.”

Cardinal Angelo Sardano tweeted: “Pope Francis is absolutely smashing it!”



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Ferdinand in hair appointment clash

RIO Ferdinand has pulled out of the England squad after a hairdressing appointment mix-up.

Manager Roy Hodgson had hoped the central defender could have a quick trim, but Ferdinand insisted he has not had a deep root condition since October.

The England camp searched for a suitable boutique in San Marino but his trichologist ruled that his hair could not be treated correctly by local stylists.

Ferdinand said: “My commitment to the national team is 100 per cent but you should see my split ends in the morning, I look like I’ve headbutted a candyfloss machine.

”Younger players like Sturridge or Walcott can bounce back from a ridiculous haircut within days but at my age I’ve got to be careful. That advert with Joe Hart shows the devastating effects dandruff can have on your game.”

Ferdinand’s England career has been plagued with cancellations due to chest waxing, unforeseen manicures and a disastrous eyebrow threading that sidelined him for over six months.

England captain Steven Gerrard said: “All the lads wish Rio the best and hope the girl who normally does the shampooing isn’t too rough with the water hose.”

Ferdinand added: “This summer I’m going to Switzerland to have horse placenta massaged into my scalp.”