Princess of Wales's distraction wardrobe upgraded to red

THE UK’s state has been officially assessed as so dire that Princess Kate’s outfits have been upgraded to their highest distraction level.

Strikes, tax scandals, and a grim economic outlook from the IMF have all contributed to the Princess of Wales’s headline-grabbing clothes being upgraded to a scarlet Alexander McQueen power suit that cost £1,980.

Royal correspondent Denys Finch-Hatton said: “You know shit has well and truly hit the fan when Kate steps out in red. The country is days away from complete collapse, if not hours.

“Red suits are extremely rare and trigger an emergency Cobra meeting. They’re also a warning for the public to stock up on tinned foods, stay indoors and avoid Newsnight until the danger has passed.

“Our duty is to focus on the Princess of Wales’s sheer marvellousness relentlessly. The public’s responsibility is to hold her image, like a proud scarlet ibis, at the forefront of their minds at all times because nothing else matters.” 

Panicked civilian Margaret Gerving said: “Kate had already changed from a plum trouser-suit to a cerise coat in a matter of weeks. Now look at her. We’re f**ked.”

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How are you pretending Britain's coming recession is nothing to do with Brexit?

THE UK is out on its own as a major economy facing recession, and out on its own due to a choice made some years earlier. How are you pretending the two are unrelated? 

Jeremy Hunt, chancellor, aged 56

“I underwent inexpert laser surgery on those areas of my brain concerning the word you said which means I cannot hear the word, know it, or recognise the force it exerts on the economy. To me it’s as mysterious as dark matter. We should all be like this.”

Donna Sheridan, retail worker, aged 32

“There can’t be anything up with Brexit because I voted for it, so what I do is say they’ve got Brexit wrong. That idiot politicians who never truly understood the power and majesty of Brexit have ruined it while the Brexit of my intentions remains shining and pure. It’s great because I can never be proved wrong. I got the idea off communists.”

Emma Bradford, Daily Mail writer, aged 42

“What I’ve done is returned to the old standby of claiming a low-tax high-growth economy will solve everything, even though that idea was thoroughly discredited by Liz Truss not four full months ago and surely people remember. It’s ridiculous, humiliating and doomed to failure, but anything rather than knock Brexit.”

Norman Steele, Brexit and UKIP voter, aged 68

“For me it’s a matter of personal respect. I backed Brexit, I’m old and my blood pressure’s through the roof, so why upset me by blaming Brexit? Why would you pick on the poor old folks who just wanted their 1950s back? It’s your duty to not link this shit economy we’ve got now with the thing I like, or I might cry.”

Tim Martin, Wetherspoons owner, aged 67

“I’m firing off blame wildly. VAT on food, drinkers staying home, lazy staff, too much prestige TV these days, long Covid, solar flares, and the shifting magnetic north are all excuses I’ve shot off. Otherwise I’d be admitting the policy I campaigned long and hard for has made me look a total dickhead. No-one must ever know.”

Roy Hobbs, fishmonger, aged 51

“Not bothering mate. Even though I voted for Brexit I’m cheerfully turning around, saying ‘that Brexit turned out to be shit innit’ and accepting no responsibility. ‘We made a mistake and we need to get back in the EU,’ I say casually to liberal types grinding their teeth. ‘Still, live and learn don’tcha?’ I add.”