The middle-aged guide to which celebrities you'll outlive

MIDDLE-AGED and concerned for your own mortality as guitar heroes and actors of your youth die off by the week? You’ll have the last laugh with these: 

Will Smith

If you’re still in your 40s you’re in with a good chance against Smith, aged 54. It’ll be weird though, abstract sadness mixed with realising most of his films were crap: Wild Wild West, After Earth, Suicide Squad. Men In Black, and its theme song, covered many sins.

Nigel Farage

Let’s face it, 58-year-old Farage’s grave will need a sturdy piss-proof cover. There’ll probably be coach tours for that very purpose. Even Brexiters may have lost faith by then, but don’t count on it. Cause of death: a toss-up between his libertarian love of smoking and Satan collecting on the deal.

Glynis Barber

Death does not discriminate between the wicked and the stars of Dempsey & Makepeace. The passing of Glynis, aged 67, will be sad, and all we can do is remember our happy times together, such as her being an intergalactic mercenary in Blake’s 7.

Sarah Vine

Not far past 40? You may yet outlive Mail journalist Vine, aged 55, the human bile-fountain too repellent even for Michael Gove. Her bottomless vindictiveness will not be forgotten.

John Nettles

79-year-old Nettles’s end will be deeply unsettling, reminding you of the transient nature of man’s achievements. As Shelley put it: ‘Look upon Bergerac, ye Mighty, and despair.’

Boris Johnson

At 58, and having lied about his exercise regime like everything else, Boris is unlikely to live to a triumphant 103. Sickening tributes on the Tory-controlled BBC will describe him as ‘Britain’s most colourful prime minister’. Nadine Dorries will sit by his grave like Greyfriars Bobby.

Most of Elastica

Your twilight years will be a Britpop massacre. Elastica may make it, but when they – and members of Echobelly, Menswear, Cast and Lush – start shuffling off their mortal coils you’ll be hardened to it by the earlier loss of much of the shoegaze scene and the Great Madchester Massacre.

Jenny Agutter

The passing of the 70-year-old star of Logan’s Run, The Eagle Has Landed and An American Werewolf in London will leave Britain’s men in a ‘funny mood’ for days, if not weeks.

Piers Morgan

57-year-old Morgan is less much-loved than unavoidable, with his sick Meghan obsession and insufferable ego. Perhaps TV companies may realise viewers don’t want to watch someone they f**king hate? Even so, it will be a shocking moment when he’s finally dead. A little part of you will go with him. You won’t miss it.

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UK diagnosed as suffering from Long Boris

MEDICAL authorities have warned that the Boris Johnson that Britain suffered from 2020-22 is not over and could yet cause immense damage. 

Despite the public perception that Boris is in the past, epidemologists fear that the chronic problems he caused have persisted and may recur fatally.

Dr Helen Archer said: “The body politic may have beaten the infection for now, but it’s still out there looking for a way in. This is far from over.

“The country’s immune system is so weak it struggles to fight off morality-free politicians. The Lords is close to rupture. The legal system is badly in need of resuscitation.

“And traces of Boris are circling in the media landscape. We’re still susceptible to letting him go on panels, write newspaper columns, and go around borrowing money from literally every f**ker he knows.

“We’re seeing it attempt to mutate into a form that will bypass our defences and once again fully infect the UK. Everyone should cover their faces the moment they’re exposed, but too many have got complacent and lazy.

“They think just because they survived last time they’ll be fine. I fear many more will die because they did not take the twat seriously.”