Queen absolutely brilliant, apart from as a parent, nation agrees

THE Queen is absolutely brilliant in every way and has never done anything wrong, apart from the minor issue of raising her children.

The British public and media agree we are lucky to be blessed with such a flawless monarch who has f**ked up her four children in such varied ways. 

Tom Logan of Hereford said: “Edward has the best record of all of them. Imagine how bad you’d have to be as a parent when that drip is the best of the batch.

“Princess Anne I like and she works tirelessly for her charities, but she was at it with a sailor while still married. 50 years ago that would have been her exiled. 

“Andrew? A spoilt playboy allowed to do whatever he wants his whole life, then when he gets in trouble his mum bails him out. Put that story on a council estate and the Express wouldn’t be on side.

“Charles? I think forcing him into marriage with a woman he didn’t love or have anything in common with wasn’t fantastic parenting, and subsequently saying ‘you shouldn’t have married the bitch’ wasn’t constructive. 

“Also still not letting him do the only job he’s allowed to do when he’s 73? That’s kind of the plot of Succession. Is it any wonder he’s turned to crime?” 

The Queen retorted: “Yeah? Well how about you keep your f**king nose out of my business, you prick? Anything what my kids have done isn’t their fault. They’re just misunderstood.”

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The Daily Mail guide to cutting your food bill instead of blaming the Tories

FOOD bills are rising thanks to the Tories’ poor management of the economy. So naturally the Daily Mail feels it’s your responsibility to eat more cheaply. Here are their helpful tips.

Go veggie

Worried everything costs more and you’re barely getting by? You can save a fortune by cutting out meat. A balanced meal of a carrot dipped in ketchup costs as little as 1p – and with the savings you can treat yourself to a luxurious half-hour of having the heating on.

Don’t buy expensive baked goods

Remember how the government set the economy back years with austerity? Well don’t. Occupy your mind by baking a stupid amount of stuff, say 50 flavourless cheese scones. You’ll soon be just like a professional baker, ie. sweaty and f**ked off from endlessly kneading dough, with asbestos-like hands from all the burns.

Buy cheaper cuts of meat

Haven’t had a pay rise for seven years at least? Cheaper cuts of meat can be just as tasty and interestingly gristly. Your kids won’t ever want to go to McDonald’s again once they’ve tried your liver in a bun with boiled turnip ‘fries’. And they’ll love your homemade Kidney McNuggets.

Cook in terrifyingly large batches

A great way to budget and you’ll always have meals in the freezer – which you’ll need when things really go tits-up with Brexit. Cook great vats of spag bol using the cheapest, most watery tinned tomatoes and live off it day after day until your kids are begging you for boiled broccoli just for some sort of variety.

Look for bargains

Head to the supermarket at a strange hour every day and demean yourself waiting for crap bargains to be put on the shelf, eg. a dried-out Battenberg cake for 11p. It’s a massive waste of your time but you’ve got plenty now you’re unemployed.

Choose inflation-beating foods

Inflation may be at a 30-year high but beetles, frogs and dead birds are the same ‘price’ whatever the state of the economy. Seagulls that eat rubbish from bins are only mildly toxic, and everyone will be impressed by your ‘supersize spicy wings’.