Six grovelling royalist excuses for Prince Andrew that are desperate bollocks

NOW that Prince Andrew has settled in the Virginia Guiffre case, royalist sycophants have gone into strange contortions defending the Duke. So what feeble excuses have they come up with?

Andrew has given extremely generously to women’s charities

With a £12 million donation to Guiffre’s charitable causes, Andrew has shown himself to be a huge supporter of women. How much have you given to women’s charities? £5? £20? You could learn a lot about feminism from Andrew, you sexist tightwad peasant.

That photo is a hoax

We know what can be done with Photoshop. Who’s to say that 17-year-old woman wasn’t Dame Vera Lynn standing next to Andrew at an armed forces fundraiser? It would have been easy for Guiffre to superimpose her face on the then 87-year-old ‘forces sweetheart’, who, unusually, is wearing a cropped top.

Actually it’s probably not Prince Andrew, it’s Prince Harry

Someone – possibly Guiffre’s lawyers – doctored a photo of despicable royal traitor Prince Harry. The original probably shows him dressed as a Nazi, with a laughing Guiffre dressed as Eva Braun.

Andrew can head up women’s charities

It would be the perfect redemption. This is an incredibly sensible idea and wouldn’t be mocked or put people off donating. With her persuasive people skills, Ghislaine Maxwell would make an excellent right-hand woman.

We’ll never know who was telling the truth

As the likes of Penny Junor have reported, the settlement means that the mystery will remain unsolved forever. That’s why we don’t believe in the concepts of ‘evidence’ or ‘reasonable conclusions’. It’s a bit like whether the Earth is round or flat. You’ll never know until you go into space.

Look, do you really want Prince Edward?

Would you prefer Andrew was useless Prince Edward? Are you insane? Do you want another It’s A Royal Knockout? Actually quite a convincing argument, the more you think about it.

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

The wealthy pricks, and other hideous couples everyone knows

DO you know an annoying couple whose awfulness is compounded by the fact that there are two of them? Here are five unbearable duos you hate running into:

The outdoorsy types

These two are always off bouldering or running half marathons and their entire personalities are based around being smug about it. Part of you hopes their next white water rafting trip ends in tragedy, especially as they’re both so physically fit that their sex life must be far more athletic and satisfying than yours.

The DIY couple

Despite growing up in 21st-century Britain, this pair refuse to pander to the convention of paying someone else to do anything that requires more practical skill than changing a light bulb. They grow their own vegetables, sew their own clothes and installed their own septic tank. They’re so self-sufficient that they only need to work part time, which you definitely aren’t jealous about at all.

The couple who always row

Love doesn’t last forever, but these two have never got on. Whether she’s telling him he’s a boring prick or he’s telling her she’s had too many glasses of rosé, there’s always a fight brewing and they’re always the centre of attention. But they’re worth inviting to dinner parties to make yourself feel marginally better about being single.

The wealthy pricks

Part of adulthood is coming to terms with the fact that some of your friends made better life choices than you, and are now business lawyers married to a civil servants with enormous double incomes. While you were fannying around trying to be a conceptual artist after university, they were buying up a portfolio of rental properties. And yet you still always end up splitting the bill 50/50.

The genuinely happy couple

Next to this pair your marriage is a joke. Always happy, never complaining, clearly deeply in love, they’d be inspirational if they didn’t want to make you vomit. However, you’re playing the long game as it will be worth putting up with their infuriating happiness when you get to witness the crushing disappointment as the honeymoon period finally and inevitably ends.

Next story ›