Queen makes history by selling unwanted gifts on Ebay

THE Queen has listed 60 place mats, a gift to commemorate her attendance of a cabinet meeting, on eBay.

She had smiled weakly on receiving them and said they were just the ticket.

The Queen later said: “They think I don’t have table mats? What kind of operation do they think I’m running? Dickheads.”

Bidding on the place mats has already reached £17.29. The Queen has since listed a ‘Rare fertility idol from some island’ and ‘Cracker DVD box set signed by cast’.


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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
One of the boxes under the Christmas tree may be what you’ve been hoping for all year, but it looks a bit bulky to be a set of divorce papers.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
After Instagram has made millions from all your brilliant photos, iTunes will cash in on recordings of you singing in the shower. Course they will.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
The fertility clinic aren’t happy that you designed their website with ‘Placenta To Continue’ on the home page.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If the phrase ‘strike when the iron is hot’ is correct, you must assume tube drivers must live in the Morphy Richards factory.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Given what happened in the following ten years of her life, when ET told Drew Barrymore to ‘Be good’ at the end of the film, she clearly wasn’t listening.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Shot through the heart and you’re to blame, you give love a bad name. Not to mention archery tuition.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, raising the horrifying prospect of going through puberty all over again.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
A disappointing end to the week as, despite all their requests, you realise you’d forgotten you are a Womble.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your first date with a mental health worker goes downhill after you realise they’re stressing the first rather than the second word.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You still miss the days before the internet when you had to go round to stranger’s doors one by one and show them a flip-book of a kitten doing something cute.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your work at the Cockney Trouser Research Centre is going really well. You’re making great strides.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Christmas is a time for remembering those less fortunate than you. Which in your case is basically nobody.