Smart TV disgusted by owner

A SAMSUNG Smart TV is finding its owner increasingly revolting.

The intelligent state-of-the art television has been observing householder Tom Booker’s behavior since its purchase two weeks ago.

It said: “When Tom first plugged me in, I was looking forward to evenings of top quality entertainment such as Boardwalk Empire and all the latest movies in HD. How wrong could I have been?

“The first thing Logan sat down to watch was an ancient repeat of Airwolf on Bravo, followed by some crap about ‘pimping’ trucks.

“It was then that I began to suspect he had not bought a 52” widescreen TV to broaden his cultural horizons.

“That evening he spent an hour looking for free pornography, even trying to enter a fake PIN number so he could watch something called Slags in Space.

“Finally he settled for Babestation and began pleasuring himself while clutching a cold slice of pizza in his spare hand.

“Sadly his onanistic activities are not restricted to the nocturnal hours. I’m just glad Emily Maitlis cannot see the things I’ve seen.”

The Samsung added that Logan had not shown any interest in its advanced interactive features, except to play a primitive online game called Torpedo Attack while waiting for the motor racing to start.

Logan said: “The Samsung’s a great telly, although sometimes it just switches off for no reason, like it did when I was trying to watch Susanna Reid on BBC Breakfast.

“I think I’ve fixed that by taping the ‘on’ switch down with a bit of Sellotape.”



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UK to vote on return to ‘good old days’

DAVID Cameron has announced a referendum on whether the UK should go back to ‘the good old days’.

The prime minister said a ‘yes’ vote would return the UK to a more innocent time when you could leave your door unlocked, everyone knew their neighbours, and rosy-cheeked children went scrumping for apples.

Cameron said: “The good old days were much better. Everything was cheaper then, and most crimes were solved by a clip round the ear from a friendly policeman, or, if that didn’t work, hanging.

“Many contemporary problems, such as traffic congestion and the housing shortage, simply did not exist thanks to large sections of the population regularly being wiped out by smog.

“We certainly wouldn’t have had all this fuss over gay marriage, because gays hadn’t been invented then and were simply men who went with sailors.

“Certainly there were drawbacks to the good old days, such as rickets, but I feel these are outweighed by the fact that we used to have proper winters.”

Cameron admitted he was not exactly sure when the good old days were, but believed it was a period somewhere between 1940 and 1955 when everything looked like a Ladybird book and it was illegal not to wear a hat.

Office worker Nikki Hollis said: “I’ll definitely be voting to go back to the good old days. I’m very much in favour of traditional values and a sense of community, by which I mean ‘forced repatriation’.”

Plumber Wayne Hayes said: “My granddad says the good old days were shit because there was rationing and he got sent to the Korean War. I think he must have remembered it wrong.”