BRITAIN will pay tribute to the Queen by standing outside her house and bombarding her with music she finds ghastly.
The jubilee concert will include Gary Barlow, Paul McCartney and Elton John in a 36-hour lower middle class cacophony that will make Her Majesty wish she was either the Queen of Austria or dead.
A Buckingham Palace spokesman said: “She pledged to rededicate herself to the nation and unfortunately that does include stuff like this.
“She is fond of ordinary people she just wishes they would keep their ordinariness to themselves. If anyone had bothered to ask her she would have preferred a remote control Japanese horse jacuzzi.
“Anyway, thanks for the concert.”
Meanwhile, it has emerged that the Queen has asked for the Golden Bong of Saxe-Coburg to be placed on standby for the duration of the jubilee celebrations.
The 24-carat bong, first used by Prince Albert in 1842, was a gift from the Nizam of Hyderabad and has helped seven generations of royalty cope with events including Trooping the Colour and staring directly at the Cenotaph for two hours in the middle of November.
Should the Queen feel the need, the 27-inch tall smoking device will be removed from its plinth in the Tower of London and loaded with grade-A skunk from all corners of the Commonwealth.
Royal historian Denys Finch-Hatton said: “An 85 year-old woman cannot be expected to sit in a big chair on top of a barge and be paraded down the Thames without feeling that she is at least floating above it.”
It will be the first time the Queen has used the bong since 11 May, 2010, the last time she had to speak to Gordon Brown.