NHS to use frantic hand gestures

NHS staff are to start miming what they want to do to foreign patients in a bid to save money.

As a report showed the health service spent 0.02% of its budget on translation services, roughly half of what it spends on cleaning fluid for the plastic plants in reception, doctors will now point at diagrams in textbooks before pointing at the patient and nodding enthusiastically.

Staff nurse Nikki Hollis said: “It’s going to save an awful lot of money when all the foreigners die of allergic reactions to medicine and not knowing what the gesture for a burst appendix is.

“Medical care for overseas patients is going to turn into a potentially fatal game of Give Us A Clue.”

As well as pointing at parts of the body and grimacing, hospital staff will also be asked to talk at foreign patients slowly in English in a progressively loud and more aggressive manner. Staff will also enhance their pronunciation by adding the letter ‘o’ to every other word and pronouncing ‘r’ as ‘l’.

Any patient unable to explain what their illness is will be issued a photograph of health secretary Andrew Lansley pointing at an airport departure lounge with an angry but disappointed expression on his face.

If successful, the measures will be widened to English-speaking patients who have a bit of an accent and by 2020 medical care will only be available to anybody who sounds like Brian Sewell.



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UN deadlocked over Arab-killing rights

THE United Nations Security Council remains deadlocked over which countries are allowed to kill Arab civilians.

Russia and China have vetoed a plan which would have stopped Syrian President Bashar al-Assad shelling the city of Homs, setting a dangerous precedent of allowing Arabic leaders to kill their own people and threatening Western domination of the Arab extermination market.

Experts believe the veto signals a challenge to the long-held British and American monopoly of Arab slaughter and that the Chinese now plan to move aggressively into this lucrative field.

A US State Department spokesman said: “Ten years ago it was the French trying to stop our invasion of Iraq, which has since proved to be an unprecedented, decade-long bloodbath of success.

“Now we’re supposed to watch Arabs murdered in the streets by guns, mortars, and rockets at the hands of the Syrian Army when they could be humanely executed by remote control. And we’re not even sure they’re killing the right Arabs.”

A Foreign Office spokesman said: “We’ve been killing Arabs since the 11th Century and all of a sudden we’re supposed to ask for permission? Are we supposed to ask for permission to go to the toilet as well?”

The US spokesman added: “We have to fight constantly for Israel’s right to kill any Arabs that look at them funny, and now this.

“Sometimes I wonder if the UN wants us to kill any Arabs at all.”