RADICAL Islamic cleric Abu Qatada is to overhaul British Islamo-fascism after being named as the country’s first jihad ‘tsar’.
The bearded preacher, who supports the conversion or murder of all non-Muslims, will be paid £250,000 year to co-ordinate acts of terror, the introduction of Sharia law, the creation of inner-city no-go areas and the annual War on Christmas.
A Downing Street spokesman said: “Jihad is a major industry and one where Britain can lead the world. Without Islamic terror, entire communities of newspaper columnists would be consigned to the economic scrapheap. With vigorous new leadership we can create thousands of angry jobs.”
He added: “Abu enjoys fantastic brand recognition among the crucial 18-35 bearded fanatic market and even white van drivers, who normally can’t tell Muslims apart, affectionately call him the ‘fuzzy- bearded preacher of hate’.”
Qatada, who will be released from jail this week, is expected to hit the ground running with a busy schedule of outrages. He said: “It’s not about making a big noise, it’s about getting better PR for what we already do.
“Four angry Muslims spitting on a poster of Rachel Stevens makes the front page of the Daily Star and gives us the rest of the week to kick back. My guys are also planning to wipe their bottoms on Diamond Jubilee tea-towels, shout ‘cock’ during the two minutes’ silence, and pelt the Olympics with fish.
“We’re even going to get down old school and burn copies of The Satanic Verses. it will be an unforgettable summer of hate.”
Meanwhile, critics claim Qatada will simply be ‘yet another tsar’ who will do nothing except get cushy quango jobs for his cronies and justify himself on Newsnight.