THE Queen has formally announced that she will spend her retirement living in stables as a horse.
She will spend most of her time standing motionless on all fours, occasionally visiting the stable door so that animal lovers can stroke her nose.
A footman will bring a daily nosebag but her only social interaction will be with horses, the creatures she has always loved the most.
The Queen said: “Those who have observed me over the years will have noticed that the only time I have ever broken into anything resembling a smile is in horse-related circumstances.
“I have always envied horses. A horse never had to make small talk with Robert Mugabe, endure the vacuous attentions of gawping sycophants waving stupid little flags or resist the temptation of poking Tony Blair in the eye with a silver toasting fork.
“I will always hold my family in a certain regard but if any of them, particularly the eldest boy, try to approach my stables, guards are instructed to shoot them in the kneecaps.
“My message is essentially this – if you have fewer than four legs, fuck off.
“As for all my money, I shall use it as bedding.“