Queen to live as a horse

THE Queen has formally announced that she will spend her retirement living in stables as a horse.

She will spend most of her time standing motionless on all fours, occasionally visiting the stable door so that animal lovers can stroke her nose.

A footman will bring a daily nosebag but her only social interaction will be with horses, the creatures she has always loved the most.

The Queen said: “Those who have observed me over the years will have noticed that the only time I have ever broken into anything resembling a smile is in horse-related circumstances.

I have always envied horses. A horse never had to make small talk with Robert Mugabe, endure the vacuous attentions of gawping sycophants waving stupid little flags or resist the temptation of poking Tony Blair in the eye with a silver toasting fork.

I will always hold my family in a certain regard but if any of them, particularly the eldest boy, try to approach my stables, guards are instructed to shoot them in the kneecaps.

My message is essentially this – if you have fewer than four legs, fuck off.

As for all my money, I shall use it as bedding.

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Everything you buy to come with zero-hours contract

ALL consumer goods are to come with a contract for a shitty ‘flexible hours’ job.

The contracts, included in the small print on software use agreements, supermarket loyalty cards and bank accounts, mean that all Britons could be called into work by a range of employers at any time.

Lorry driver Joseph Turner said: “Yesterday at midnight I got a phone call from McDonald’s demanding I come in to do the McMuffins because someone called Jamal was off sick.

“It was a pretty hardcore bollocking so naturally I went in. This morning I am exhausted, very slightly richer and my hair smells of burger.”

Accountant Carolyn Ryan said: “I was woken at 3am by a call telling me to report to a leading nationwide hotel chain, where I am apparently a laundry operative on flexible terms.

“I tried to object, but they said I should’ve read the terms and conditions when I booked that pamper weekend on Groupon.”

The Office of National Statistics admitted being unaware of the scale of the problem because key researchers are doing maternity cover in care homes.