Royal brain-swap a success

THE brain transplant between the King and the Princess of Wales has been a resounding success, doctors have confirmed.

His Royal Highness and Kate have safely returned to their respective homes after undergoing a lengthy brain-swap operation which will allow the King’s ageing mind to reign for half a century in a new host.

Surgeon Martin Bishop said: “You think them both returning home on the same day is a neat coincidence? Cute.

“Look closely and you’ll see Charles’s body mincing along as if he should be wearing heels or staring at his reflection in horror when he walks past windows. But he wasn’t prepared to settle for a couple of decrepit decades in power after a lifetime waiting.

“Meanwhile Kate, in his aged body, will be staggering arm-in-arm with Camilla, trying to enjoy the benefits of power while she has it. Stripping Harry and Meghan of titles and their daughter’s name, executing old school rivals for sedition, etcetera. Having fun with it.

“We’re not making a big secret of it because the public will embrace it. Basically we now have a King in the body of a princess, which means we sort of have a Queen again, like when we were all happy.

“And when she goes, we get our old familiar Charlie but younger and prettier. It’s great for everyone. Except William. It doesn’t really work out that well for William.”

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'Paedo might be a compliment': Laurence Fox's guide to hair-splitting quasi-legal bullshit

YESTERDAY Laurence Fox lost a libel case. Here he compounds his humilation by opining on the finer points of English law and why it means he is right: 

The judge couldn’t define ‘racist’

The judge failed to give a ruling on the definition of the word ‘racist’. He seemed to think it irrelevant but I only said the paedo stuff in response to being called racist, which in legal terms is inceperunt eam or they started it. Therefore I am completely innocent until someone thinks of a definition for racism. That I accept.

‘Paedo’ might be a compliment

Yes, I called two people paedos. But what if I was comparing them to successful, popular paedophiles like Jeffrey Epstein or Jimmy Savile? Epstein was worth $650 million and Savile owned a Rolls Royce and a luxury caravan. Is it an insult to say ‘you own a private island’ or ‘you are a senior Royal’? No. So the judgment was flawed.

Racism is all about context

Wrongly accused of racism, I brilliantly demolished the prosecution’s argument. I said: ‘If a man is just released from a Ugandan jail where he’s been gang-raped by several men and goes “I hate black people”, it’s a sort of understandable response.’ See? No racism there, just a desire not to be sodomised by black men with their enormous penises.

They’re gay

The men I supposedly ‘defamed’ were gay. I would never reinforce baseless prejudices about certain groups in society, but come on. The fasciculum inflat defence is well-established in law.

You have to prove guilt beyond reasonable doubt

How could the court be sure an impostor didn’t hack my Twitter account to frame me? And I’ve got a bloody good idea who did it. What’s more likely, Laurence Fox goes on an idiotic rant on Twitter, or Sadiq Khan hacks me to undermine my campaign against ULEZ?

Justice is all about who can afford the best lawyer

Their barrister dredged up my saying black protestors in Peckham should ‘f**k off back to Jamaica’. Frankly I was hurt she viewed this innocent comment as racist. Any normal person would have interpreted it as a jocular, ‘matey’ use of the expression ‘f**k off’ with a recommendation to visit the home of sunshine, jerk chicken, and reggae.

The prosecution called me an ‘intelligent racist’

I’ve f**ked my acting career, my marriage to Billie Piper and even my GB News job. Now, having lost a libel case, I’m appealing the verdict which will cost me what remaining money I have to lose again. The word ‘intelligent’ shows these so-called legal experts don’t have a  f**king clue.