Royal twins will lead to Man in the Iron Mask, say experts

IF the Duchess of Cambridge gives birth to royal twins one of them will be imprisoned on an island and forced to wear an iron helmet, it has emerged.

The Duchess is suffering from extreme morning sickness, a condition more common in multiple pregnancies which, in turn, is more likely to lead to an Alexandre Dumas-style adventure, especially if the babies are upper class.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “It is 78% more likely they will be separated at birth and one of them sent to live with some peasant farmers.

“When the ‘rejected’ twin reaches 18 years of age there is a 92% chance they will be arrested without explanation and imprisoned on the Isle of Man. These days the mask looks like a motorbike helmet, but it is still made of iron.”

 

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Amazon sells out of DVD box sets

TAX-CAUTIOUS online retailer Amazon has been flooded with orders for box sets following the royal pregnancy announcement.

Television will be effectively redundant for the next eighteen months as the eventual unelected head of the country gestates, emerges, and is paraded.

Wayne Hayes from Carlisle said: “I don’t care if Amazon spend their tax money on 30-stone dominatrixes, I’m not watching Huw Edwards use the word ‘glowing’ every eight seconds for the foreseeable bastard future.

“I’ve blocked all the news websites on my internet, disconnected the Sky box and said my goodbyes to my grandmother who’s 86 with a bad heart and an unhealthy obsession with royal wombs.

“I will miss the football, although being a Liverpool fan now’s as good a time as any to avoid results for a couple of years.”

Amazon reported that HBO series like The Sopranos and The Wire were the first to sell out but as the full horror of the situation became clear, Keeping Up Appearances and even Grey’s Anatomy began to shift.

The retailer predicts that at the current rate, people may even turn to buying books to keep themselves occupied.

Hayes added: “I’m just praying my entertainment supply doesn’t give out, I should make it but may be on Season 19 of Last of the Summer Wine before sanity is resumed.”