Sally Rooney: 'Me and my brother Wayne have grown apart'

NOVELIST Sally Rooney has admitted that she and her Match of the Day pundit brother Wayne no longer see eye to eye on many issues. 

The Normal People author said that while she and Wayne once leant on each other for support, texting on a daily basis, disagreements meant they had not spoken since September last year.

She continued: “It’s sad, but I suppose it happens in many families. He feels my unequivocal support for Palestine Action is self-serving and naive; I believe he owes the fans of Birmingham City an apology for their relegation to the third tier.

“It used to be so different. When he was banging them in he’d always say ‘I believe in you Sally, you can do for affectless prose about lovelorn Irish teenagers what I do for United up front.’ That motivated me to go on.

“He actually came up with the titles for my first books. When I said the first was focused on discourse among intimates, he said ‘Why not call it Conversations Between Friends?’ Likewise, he read the second and said ‘It’s about, like, normal people, innit.’ That’s his genius.

“However, he disagrees with me politically, especially about Marxism and the BDS movement, and I felt he didn’t have a deep enough understanding of possession-based football to try and impose it on Plymouth Argyle. But I wish him well.”

Wayne Rooney said: “It’s f**k all to do with that. Have you read Intermezzo? Absolute shite.”

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'The beautiful story of how we got back together after failing to meet anyone else'

By Nikki Hollis, aged 34 and showing it

MY SPLIT from Tom eight months ago was hard for both of us. He’d become complacent and I wanted to find myself and explore new horizons, meaning I’d met someone hotter. 

We both agreed it was for the best that he didn’t know about the other guy, him tacitly. But after that one fell through I discovered I was in fact exploring soul-destroying Tinder dates with men with profile pictures taken in 2008 who say ‘banter is life’ during foreplay.

Whether their passion is crypto or choking, it’s painful. A divorced dad told me mid-coitus that I climax like his ex-wife. A model railway enthusiast got stronger erections for a 1:76 scale signal box.

Around the 30th date, I realised two things. Firstly, everyone decent my age is taken or dead. Secondly, none of my relationships were working because I was still in love with Tom. In retrospect. Now I know what I didn’t know then.

Yes, that time on my own helped me realise how enduring my feelings for Tom are, and that a porn addiction isn’t ‘sometimes watching it’ but ‘having a six-terabyte collection striped to multiple hard drives with a robust indexing system’.

I was self-sabotaging my dates. I could have got a new relationship easily if I’d wanted. Instead, I met Tom for coffee and within minutes, we’d agreed to give it another shot. You can’t stand in the way of such powerful forces as fate and dwindling options. I can honestly say I couldn’t bear the thought of a second with another man.

It’s so romantic we’re back together. My friends were thrilled, once I’d explained he was no longer ‘a narcissistic gaslighting wanker who couldn’t find the clitoris if it was on a f**king Xbox controller’.

Love means different things at different times. Now I know what I want, like not dying alone. And Tom’s happy too. Well, unbothered.