Sarah Ferguson, and other 80s wanks you're keeping quiet about

DID Fergie’s appearance on This Morning bring back unpleasant memories of mentally ploughing the same furrow as Andy back in 1986? Keep these passions hidden: 

Toni Basil

Mickey was a massive hit in 1981, aided by the cheerleader-themed video. Times were hard then. A brief and memorised flash of buttock on Top of the Pops was material up there with the sunbed pages of the Argos catalogue. You recently saw the video again. Toni was at least two decades past cheerleading age.

Mickey Rourke

Mention your erstwhile lust for Mickey to anyone under the age of 35 and they’ll assume you’ve got a fetish for elderly plastic surgery addicts, though because they’re millennials they’ll pretend not to judge. He’s looked increasingly strange since his 90s stint as a losing boxer. 9½ Weeks was a long, long time ago.

Sarah Ferguson

Fergie’s appeal in 1986 was twofold: she was posh totty and seemed like a bit of a laugh. The toe-sucking and the emergence as an entitled grifter offering access to Prince Andrew for £500,000, ironic and apposite as pimping him is, put you right off. And you don’t want anyone thinking you’re a batshit Royalist with a house full of Prince Louis mugs.

Freddie Mercury

Lots of stars were closeted in the 80s. You could be forgiven for having no idea George Michael was gay, as he apparently didn’t, but Freddie Mercury? You looked at him strutting around on stage, combining cross-dressing and ballet in a single epic video, and you thought he was straight and would marry you? You’re ashamed of the category error.

Tracy-Louise Ward

The real-life Duchess of Beaufort was the fit posh one in C.A.T.S. Eyes, a British Charlie’s Angels forgotten by everyone. As such, even explaining who the hell she is makes you sound like an incredibly persistent stalker who, 37 years after C.A.T.S. Eyes got cancelled, is really in it for the long-haul.

Noel Edmonds

DJs were sex symbols right into the 80s. Noel was a cool guy who’d been on groovy Radio Luxembourg. However, his personal journey from cult stardom to massive twat was already becoming apparent, and today no-one in their right mind would admit cranking one out to this channeller of cosmic wisdom and Mr Blobby.

Barbara Bain

Space: 1999 was filmed in the 70s but repeats were a staple of 80s ITV. Barbara was middle-aged even then, but in your teenage innocence you found her reassuring mumsiness arousing. Today you look back and understand you were an early adopter of the MILF phenomenon, and that proud as you are it’s best others don’t know.

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'Sorry I lost the house gambling, here's some flowers from the garage' say Tories

THE Conservative party has apologised for losing the house in a series of ill-advised bets by presenting Britain with a bunch of flowers from the all-night garage. 

The party, which has been making catastrophic bets and losing for the last 13 years until there is nothing left, is currently hiding the flowers behind its back before presenting them with a flourish and a sickly grin.

It said: “Who says I never do anything for you, eh? Eh?

“Bet you can’t guess what I’ve got behind my back here. Could be chrysanthemums, could be roses, could be… some other kind of flower, but either way it shows that I really, really care.

“Okay, I’ve made mistakes, I admit that. Since 2010 it’s been an emotional rollercoaster, and yes on paper we’re not in the strong position we used to be. But look! Flowers! Hang on, I forgot to take the sticker off.”

Britain said: “Sorry? You think this pathetic f**king gesture makes up for a 13-year losing streak? That this shitty little bribe can turn things around?

“You probably bought them on credit card anyway, I can tell from your face. And it was my credit card, wasn’t it. Thought so.”