Seven middle-aged celebrity cheaters who probably shouldn't have bothered

AFTER a certain age, you’ve got to ask whether having an affair is worth the potential grief. These plucky middle-aged celebrity adulterers gave it a go anyway.

Andrew Buchan

Andrew Buchan, wife Amy Nuttall and new squeeze Leila Farzad aren’t exactly household names, so their upsetting love-rift mainly involved tabloid readers weighing up which of the two ladies is fittest. Still, it’s something to do in your coffee break, so thank you, Andrew Thingy, Layla Wotsit and The Red-Haired One.

Dominic West

Dominic fairly understandably had an affair with Downton Abbey hottie Lily James. Which was reported in so much detail you might as well have been having a threesome with them. After weeks, possibly centuries, of in-depth analysis an apparently genuinely remorseful West got back together with his wife, so a bit of a waste of everyone’s time, frankly.

Greg Wallace 

Greg has notched up four marriages and various affairs and is inordinately pleased with himself about this. Sadly the public is only interested in a man who looks like a Doctor Who Sontaran pulling younger women at the level of a mildly interesting curio, like a That’s Life! carrot that appeared to have a penis and testicles.

Hugh Bonneville 

Downton Abbey again. Is there something in the water coolers on set or is everyone just bored shitless like the viewers? Bonneville was long rumoured to have had a super-injunction which is best not messed with. It did him f**k all good though, because you can just Google it. Suffice to say, the liaison really is most unbefitting of the Earl of Grantham.

Danny Dyer 

Try-hard geezer Dyer had a six-week fling with Sarah Harding of Girls Aloud, who didn’t know he was married. The only vaguely interesting thing about this affair is that like the vast majority of Danny’s films – The Business, Age of Heroes, Straightheads – it is entirely forgotten.

Rod Liddle 

Purveyor of reactionary bollocks Liddle had an affair with a woman 21 years his junior, causing his journalist wife Rachel Royce to tell every publication in existence what a shit he was. Hopefully revenge was sweet, but where’s the justice for members of the public who inadvertently imagined Liddle having sex? It’d be like f**king an obese mop. Ew.


Going out with Beyonce slightly defeats the point of an affair because in terms of attractiveness the only way is down. Maybe she’s really boring in real life, or won’t shut up about Ancient Aliens. Either way, Jay was found out, slapped around by his sister-in-law, undoubtedly got a terrifying bollocking from Beyonce herself, then did a grovelling interview with the New York Times in which he blamed his childhood. So not worth it.

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Hancock or Oakeshott: Which duplicitous dickhead should you side with?

WATCHING Matt Hancock squirm over leaked WhatsApp messages is fun until you remember hack ghoul Isabel Oakeshott is to blame. Find out who to support with this guide.

The case for Matt Hancock

Matt Hancock is arguably the innocent in all this. How was he to know a journalist who accused David Cameron of f**king a dead pig would have a moral compass that pointed towards sensationalism? Plus he ate a camel dick on live TV for your amusement, so maybe it’s time you let the thousands of care home deaths slide, yeah? Yeah.

The case for Isabel Oakeshott

Oakeshott is a mum-of-three trying to make ends meet in the cost-of-living crisis on a journalist’s meagre salary. She can’t be blamed for flogging her exclusive bombshell to The Telegraph – she probably wanted to give her kids a hot meal as a special treat. It’s nothing to do with money anyway, she was motivated by her dedication to the truth and sense of public duty. And if she barks that often enough you might even believe her.

The case against Matt Hancock

Tens of thousands of needless deaths. Expert advice of Chris Whitty ignored. Pub-owning mates given PPE contracts. Awkward adulterous snogging you were forced to witness. His face. His inability to f**k off out of public life. The way he stands. The way he talks. His face again. Choosing the side opposed to Matt Hancock would be a no-brainer if Owen Jones had leaked 100,000 messages to the papers. Sadly the world isn’t that simple.

The case against Isabel Oakeshott

She’s written for the Evening Standard, Sunday Times and Telegraph, what more proof do you need that she’s a dreadful person who you should be directing your anger towards? Also remember how irritating it is when her piercing voice spouts her bullshit ‘libertarian’ opinions on BBC Question Time and your heart will tell you she’s the antagonist in this tale.


Inconclusive. Both Hancock and Oakeshott are horrible dickheads in their own distinct way, with neither deserving of your support. There are no winners in this political equivalent of watching two diseased rats fighting to the death in a sack, only a hierarchy of losers with us, the spectating public, at the bottom.