AN odd thing to emerge from the Epstein files is that Fergie seems to be constantly on the lookout for a man. Could you be that lucky guy? Let’s consider the pros and cons.
PRO: She doesn’t play hard to get
In one of her emails to Jeffrey Epstein, Fergie says: ‘You are a legend… I am at your service. Just marry me.’ So you probably wouldn’t spend many anxious nights wondering if she liked you or not. Unfortunately her affections may hinge on whether you can bail her out after she’s stupidly spent £20,000 on solid gold teaspoons.
CON: She is a nightmarishly awful person
The downside to pulling Sarah with minimal fuss is that she is just dreadful. Always on the scrounge, and really embarrassing, like when she informs Epstein that her daughter Eugenie is on a ‘shagging weekend’. Although in fairness that’s probably quite interesting if you’re an ephebophile.
PRO: She likes sexy lingerie
We know this from Sarah’s brief stint as an agony aunt on This Morning, where she advised women to wear sexy underwear. So we can assume Fergie could easily be persuaded to hop into some stockings and – actually shall we stop thinking about this now?
CON: She’s got kids
This is a problem for some guys, but who knows, maybe you’d get on fine with Beatrice and Eugenie? Maybe they’re alright? And it’s hardly going to break the bank taking them to Pizza Express now and then. A certain aspect of their physical appearance might take some getting used to, but as a child you did enjoy Fraggle Rock.
PRO: She’s got red hair
What guy hasn’t got a bit of a thing for redheads? Sure, you were probably thinking more of Karen Gillan or Rose Leslie, but beggars can’t be choosers. A few hours of listening to Fergie’s crap will probably cure you of this minor kink anyway.
CON: She is a maniac with money
Sarah’s idiotic spending is legend, such as arriving at an airport with 25 cases and paying £4,000 for excess baggage. Unsurprisingly she also has a habit of going millions into debt. So you can’t avoid the fact that a relationship with Fergie will mean helping her out financially. You needn’t worry though – she’ll pay you back when the next Budgie the Little Helicopter book hits the bestseller lists.
PRO: She’s posh
Going out with a posh person has a certain kudos in class-addled Britain, and Fergie is definitely posh. Okay, it’s not quite as impressive as turning up at the pub with Binky Felstead or Deliciously Ella, but let’s face it, you’re no Kit Harrington yourself.
CON: She has a questionable moral compass
The emails revealed that Fergie offered to introduce Epstein to a woman who was ‘single and has a great body’, adding ‘marry me and then we will employ her’. Make of this what you will, but you’ll probably feel more secure in a relationship if you don’t feel there’s a risk of your girlfriend pimping you out.
