Sprightly 74-year-old to reinvigorate country

A DYNAMIC, go-getting old man who would under any other circumstances be retiring at this point is set to lead the country into a new era.

King Charles III, born during the reign of George VI, is well-placed to tackle the challenges of a nation obsessed with TikTok, drill music and Netflix.

A spokesperson for Buckingham Palace said: “The newly-crowned King Charles has expressed his determination to reign, in stark contrast to his mother, who he affectionately called ‘a doddery, out-of-touch old duffer’.

“The King understands we live in a modern age. He knows all about the opportunities and challenges we face in a tech-focused society. That’s why he’s bringing his DVD player from Highgrove.

“He’s even pledged that he and the Queen will listen to Radio 2 instead of Classic FM for a few hours each week, so they can get a really broad understanding of what young people are into.

“And he’s incredibly up on things like feminism. He’ll be putting equality and women’s issues at the top of his agenda as he eases into his role as this great country’s new figurehead.

“Just don’t ask him about tampons. He gets a bit funny about that.”

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All over by time I got up, confirms Meghan

THE Duchess of Sussex has confirmed that the entire jamboree involving her father-in-law was over before she was out of bed.

An eight-hour time difference between London and Montecito meant that Meghan slept through the procession, the service, the oath, the anointing, the investiture, the enthronement, the Royal Salute and all the rest of her husband’s family’s bullshit.

She said: “Harry’s been texting. Seems he was pretty bored. I normally only get this many when he’s on a flight.

“Ah, forgot it was his dad’s whole thing yesterday. They’re probably showing it on CNN. Do you want to see Daddy on the television, Lilibet? No? You’re watching Bluey?

“Yes, well I’m sure I wasn’t missed. No point in two of us suffering through these interminable occasions. I did a week-and-a-half with his bloody family last year and it’s not like he has to see mine.

“Anyway nothing will have happened. It’s always the same: processions, soldiers, flag-waving, standing around in an old church and various 400-year-old bejeweled items placed on wooden surfaces. The novelty wears off fast.

“Harry can tell me about it when he gets back. If he wants. He finds it all extremely embarrassing.”