Teachers not famous enough

MOST British teachers are not famous enough to be able to inspire their pupils, according to a new report.

As the audience somehow increased for Jamie Oliver’s Teaching is Really Easy, government-commissioned research by the Institute for Studies found that around 0% of secondary school teachers were household names.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Schools need to accept that we live in an age where if you haven’t at least been on an ITV2 panel show about penises you aren’t worth listening to.

“Although a few teachers had achieved some limited notoriety – like geography master Stephen Malley in Kent who got a fifth former pregnant and ended up sleeping in the CDT block, or science teacher Tom Logan who is rumoured to have been a weightlifter despite clearly having a draggy leg – pretty much none exhibited a television-recognised talent.

“The nearest we found was Mr John Bailey, deputy head of a school in Nantwich, who started the World Worm Charming Championships. But that was in 1980.”

He added: “Teachers need to spend less time marking and more on raising their media profiles.

“One time-efficient way of achieving this might be to arrange school trips to war zones, where teachers would be able to film each other in heroic shootouts when the battered coach is surrounded by hostile militia.”

Teacher Nikki Hollis said: “If doing lots of paperwork was a passport to fame, I would be Elizabeth Fucking Taylor.

“As it stands, I will never be an inspirational figure like Jamie Oliver who is so brilliant at making food hot, or that man Starkey who does history and is like a villainous squirrel from Wind in the Willows.

“What do you mean Alistair Campbell is in it as well?

“I don’t understand. They’re letting him near children?”



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UN backs Radio 1 regime change

THE United Nations security council has paved the way for air strikes against Chris Moyles.

The international community has grown increasingly concerned for the civilian population of Britain as it is brutally hosed down with a stream of horseshit that appears to have started some time before the invention of radio.

A whole generation of Britons have grown up only knowing Radio 1 as the mouthpiece for Moyles instead of the mediocre vehicle for the likes of Simon Bates it once was.

A UN spokesman said “Some say charities will benefit from this broadcast, but to paraphrase the gospel of St Matthew, what does it profit a charity if they gain millions of quid and it inflates the ego of some ghastly northern ballbag?

“I’m sure if you relayed the broadcast to an Ethiopian famine relief centre, explaining that the radio stays on while the rice gets delivered, they’d kick you out before you had enough for a half-decent risotto.”

A no-broadcast zone was ratified by the UN late yesterday evening, with France abstaining to vote on the grounds that their own national radio is so indescribably awful it would reek of hypocrisy.

Sources suggest that Moyles is already planning to escape to either Venezuala or Channel 4 where he has been offered another inexplicable run of unfiltered gobshiting.

But  Moyles has remained defiant, insisting “The plot to topple me has been hatched by teenaged dissidents taking hallucinogenic pills that make them think Comedy Dave isn’t funny.

“But I will continue to broadcast, house by house, room by room, and I will show no pity. No mercy. Now, here’s Jessie J with ‘Price Tag’.”