The actor's guide to not totally bollocksing up your career

ARE you a top Hollywood actor who has a baffling urge to do incredibly stupid things? Here’s how to stay likeable and employed.

Remember race is a bit of a ‘hot potato’

As a famous actor you’ll be used to people agreeing with everything you say, but there’s a line in the sand, and that line is called ‘sounding like a weird racist’.

In interviews avoid controversial subjects and stick to what you’re best at – blathering on pretentiously about your one-dimensional character in Cybertroids 5: Rise of the Omnibots.

Avoid kooky health bullshit

Sarah Miles is a talented actress who made some great films. What do we remember her for? Drinking piss. Enough said.

Ask yourself ‘Does this sound normal or unhinged?’

Simple but effective. Before speaking, imagine the words coming out. If they sound a bit mad, stop, whether it’s “I went up and down areas with a cosh” or “I’m really getting into ginseng enemas”.

Don’t join a cult

Signs that you may be joining a cult include:

● The ‘religious teachings’ strongly resemble a shit sci-fi story you might have written aged nine.

● Your vicar is less into christenings and singing All Things Bright and Beautiful and more into group sex and stockpiling automatic weapons.

● You are encouraged to make dire films that promote the cult’s beliefs. Beware of titles like Ninth Level Wisdom Seekers of Nargor-D’Uan.

Try not to punch people just for liking you

Yes, the little people are a nuisance when they say “Hello! Love your work!” but remember you’re getting paid millions for playing dressing up, for fuck’s sake.

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'Oh, I know I'm going to hell' confirms Rees-Mogg

JACOB Rees-Mogg has confirmed that he is definitely going to hell.

Responding to EU president Donald Tusk’s claim that Brexiters were going to ‘bad fire’ the Tory MP stressed he was well aware of the ultimate destiny of his soul.

Rees-Mogg added: “I run an investment fund which pursues profit in a ruthless, nay, savage manner.

“I accumulate vast wealth while pontificating about the idle poor. Jesus Christ would not approve. Similarly, I judge women and homosexuals. Again, not what Jesus had in mind.

“And on top of all that I claim to be a devout Roman Catholic, so you can add an almost criminal hypocrisy to my spiritual charge sheet.

“Don’t worry though, I am looking forward to the pain. It excites me.”