Horrifically tedious WhatsApp group rises from the dead

A WHATSAPP group has come back from the dead, spreading fear and nausea among 17 people.

Members of the group chat believed it had been killed five months ago, until a speculative ‘Wassup bitches?’ was sent earlier today by admin Tom Logan.

Group member Nathan Muir said: “I was free and safe, then suddenly there it was again, with its profile picture of a woman’s arse in a thong.

“It was only ever meant to be about sorting out Jim’s stag do – and that nightmare was almost a year ago – but his arsehole cousin Tom has re-animated it like some dreary, oafish Frankenstein.”

Muir had opted to regularly mute the chat, avoiding Logan’s non-stop stream of ‘banter’ and YouTube videos of animals fighting, until it eventually stopped altogether, leading to a misplaced sense of safety.

Muir added: “I’d go completely off grid, but I know that, somehow, it will find me.”

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The six most middle-class ways of exercising

Boot camp in the park
What could possibly be more middle-class than taking a communal area for the leisure of all and commandeering it for your personal use? And deliciously, everyone knows the man shouting orders at you is actually your employee and you could stop him any time you wanted.

Practical, A-to-B cycling is for poor people. Instead, ride a £10,000 bike around country lanes in a large group, holding up traffic for miles until you reach a village tea shoppe where you loudly say you’d buy the local vicarage if it wasn’t for your ‘bloody commute’.

Wild swimming
Swimming pools, unless you own them, are municipal swamps thick with the detritus of pensioners and schoolchildren. Lakes and seas, by contrast, are pure, natural, and perfect for you and your clean-eating body which has regular glacier mud facials. Until you get Weil’s disease.

Underwater weightlifting
Weights are a bit ‘nightclub bouncer’. Aquafit is what your granny does on Wednesday morning. But lifting weights underwater is just idiotic enough to be plausible and none of your peer group will have done it first.

Going running with your kids
A 5k is passé, but a 5k with your adorable children Clarence (‘Claa’) and Mabel (‘Belly’) in tow, keeping pace beautifully with you and your sweat-free partner? Family time and fitness time all in one? You’ll be the envy of the course, and imagine that photo-finish.

Outdoor spin class
As pointless as purple carrots, as gratuitous as a Canada Goose coat, as wasteful as a Waitrose big shop. Be the first on your WhatsApp SchoolRunners! group to do it, or curse your missed chance forever.