The daytime reality show Jeremy Kyle will be hosting in Hell, by Satan

THE Horned One here. That documentary about Jeremy Kyle confirmed he’s one of mine, and we’ve a very special show lined up for him. Here’s the running order: 

Dysfunctional family disputes

The show will open with one of Jeremy’s labyrinthine family disputes, eg ‘My stepdad who’s also my common-law brother owed my Mum for weed…’ etcetera, but so convoluted and impossible to follow Jezza’s brain will literally explode, sending his eyeballs flying. Then that’s repeated from several angles with slo-mo.

The lie detector

Lie detectors are bullshit and shouldn’t be used to ruin lives for cheap entertainment. Except your life, Jeremy. When asked questions like ‘is fire hot?’ he’ll answer yes, the machine will say he’s lying and burly security demons will appear from backstage with branding irons to teach him to be truthful.

Bad dentistry

The exploitative appeal of The Jeremy Kyle Show was always a good sneer at the snaggle-toothed troglodytes who appeared. In an ironic punishment, Jezza will be cursed with an abscess in a molar and must fix it with just a rusty spoon before the ad break.

Taunting the guests

Jeremy is fond of bullshit like: ‘Think you’re a big man, eh? Want to step up here, big man?’ Only there’ll be no security and the guests will be the shrieking damned who’ll rip all his limbs off and chuck him on a barbecue. Then his limbs will reattach and it’ll keep happening. I got that from Doctor Faustus. Great guy.

Terrible addictions

Jeremy loved a guest with a substance problems. So he’ll love fighting his own hilarious addictions, like getting the shakes and hallucinating unless he downs a regular glass of cat’s piss, or being hooked on laxatives and the toilets being locked.

After the show

After a hard day’s filming a millennium-long show, Jeremy’s off home. To the sinkhole council estate he shares with his family of feral teenage demons who stick him in a burning wheelie bin and drag it behind their joyriding Fiesta. Over speedbumps.

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The West made a 'terrible mistake', says one of the West's terrible mistakes

WESTERN countries made a terrible mistake in regards to Putin, according to another terrible political mistake of the Western world.

The West’s decision not to challenge Vladimir Putin over the 2014 annexation of Crimea has been branded a ‘terrible mistake’ by the human embodiment of fatally flawed choices.

Wayne Hayes of Mansfield said: “Fair play, we all knew Putin was shady. We should’ve done something. But Johnson’s an inept, clownish twat who rose to power on the basis of a catastrophic error, so you can see where Russia’s contempt for democracy came from.

“He’s out here saying ‘we let him get away with it.’ Yeah, I can think of another wanker who hangs out with oligarchs who we let get away with a whole bunch of shit.”

Western citizen Donna Sherridan of Hounslow said: “Democracy’s had a few blunders lately: Trump, Brexit, LadBaby. But voting a Latin-spouting serial philanderer from a comedy panel show into Number 10 was our nadir.

“At least America booted out their knobhead-in-chief. Knowing us, we’ll hand our Kremlin-funded knobhead another landslide victory straight after this war. We’re the mistakes.”