'This is all we f*cking need' confirm Pizza Express and Woking

TROUBLED restaurant chain Pizza Express and dreary town Woking have confirmed Prince Andrew’s admission of visiting them is all they f*cking need.

With Pizza Express in massive debt and Woking being the kind of place that can only dream of being Slough, both stressed an association with Prince Andrew was ‘a kick in already painful nuts’.

Woking resident, Martin Bishop said:  “Personally, I believe him but then again I do live in Woking by choice so feel free to take anything I say with a pinch of salt.”

Pizza Express worker, Nathan Muir added: “He did definitely come in here because I remember the manager saying that under no circumstances where we to rub our balls on his food.”

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Baby's 'quirky personality' consists of crying and shitting

A BABY’S habit of crying and defecating constantly are part of his ‘quirky personality’, it has been confirmed.

The baby’s mother, Sue Logan, said: “He’s just so cute and adorable. Look at how loud and dirty he is. It’s absolutely fascinating.

“He’s just so funny and interesting when he’s making me sleep-deprived and really quite insane.”

The baby’s father, Tom Logan, added: “His incredible personality really comes to the fore when he takes a massive dump right next to my face.”

The baby’s older sister Laura said: “In a few short years he will share my personality quirk of asking 18 million questions a day.”