MALE? Perplexed by persistent speculation as to why Timothée Chalamet and Kylie Jenner, two young, attractive, vapid people are dating? Your questions answered:
Isn’t this just two people going out?
Yes. There are rumours that Timothée plans to dump Kylie, but no-one knows and they cannot affect the outcome. Even with nothing going on in your life, this is not interesting.
Does it actually matter if a 30-year-old and a 28-year-old split up?
You might think a childless, unmarried couple who’ve been together three years breaking up won’t have huge repercussions. Correct. You were only heartbroken when a relationship ended at that age because you faced a long period without sex.
Why is Kylie not good enough for Timothée?
The assumption is that he, courtesy of the ending of his first name, is cultured and sophisticated while she has a boob job and a daughter called Stormi. But the class divide is small. Kylie does not work at Greggs, and is not thrilled by Timothée’s linoleum flooring and indoor toilet.
If they say they’re happy together, shouldn’t we just accept that?
That would be the normal thing. Unless you ask couples you know intrusive questions, like ‘Are you going to split soon, guys? Do you secretly get tired of Emma being thick as pigshit, Pete?’
Why do women think Kylie isn’t attractive enough?
This is confusing to men, as Kylie would be pretty fit even in an upmarket Spoons. But Timothée’s fans want him to date a haunting beauty with arty pretensions, like Kate Bush circa 1978.
Is there any evidence whatsoever of relationship issues?
No. They’re both into celebrity bullshit like fashion shows and hanging out with rappers. They have their differences, but it’s not as if Kylie is the first girlfriend bored shitless by her boyfriend going on about Dune.
If they’re not happy, why not just split up instead of lying about it?
Despite Timothée’s delicate good looks and sensitivity, he is fundamentally a bloke. So he might think he can do a lot better but puts off dumping Kylie because he can’t face the aggro and they’re halfway through The Sopranos.
