We tabloids tried to protect Diana. But the wicked, wicked BBC hounded her to the grave

By Sun reporter Roy Hobbs

BRITAIN’S tabloid newspapers loved Princess Diana. The Sun, the Mirror, the Mail and Express formed a ring of steel around her. Unlike the evil BBC.

Throughout the 80s and 90s, we did everything possible to protect her. We would not hear, or print, a word against this beguiling innocent.

Her affair with Major James Hewitt? None of our business. Her many phone calls to art dealer Oliver Hoare? We remained as silent as she. Toying with Will Carling’s heart? Our lips remained sealed.

Whether Squidgygate, surreptitiously taken photographs of her working out in the gym, or scurrilous rumours about one-night stands with JFK Jr, we kept the princess’s secrets.

Even when it was announced she was to divorce Charles, you wouldn’t find a word about it in the tabloids. The Sun did eventually cover the story a month later, in an inch-high column without photographs on page 39.

Why were we so vigilant in quashing any criticism of England’s Rose? Because of the BBC. An unashamed hard-left Marxist organisation determined to bring down the government and monarchy, it swore to destroy her.

All those stories above? Headlines on the Nine O’Clock News. Discussed on Pebble Mill at One. Building, of course, to the fraudulent Martin Bashir interview that began the Queen of Hearts’ downfall.

The BBC did it. The BBC and the fleet of paparazzi photographers they regularly employ. It definitely wasn’t us. Glad that’s settled.

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How to break it to your partner they're turning into an unappealing porker

IT’S a challenge facing countless couples – how to tell your partner they’re turning into a wobbly lardarse with tact and sensitivity. Here are some ways of addressing the situation.

Suggest exercising together

It’s unfair that you have to suffer to get rid of their blubber, but it’s a considerate and loving thing to do. Also any coward would agree that saying ‘It’d be great, us getting healthy together’ is a lot less risky than ‘Do some bloody exercise, you fat f**king heffalump’. 

Serve healthy food as an unsubtle hint

Serving lots of salad, grilled fish, etc. is a strong hint that your partner needs to lose weight. If it completely fails to register and they have a large helping of chips with their salad nicoise, maybe you should try the novel experience of going out with someone with more self-awareness than a radiator.

Broach the sex issue gently

Say something like: ‘We don’t have sex as much as we used to, and I’m afraid your weight is an issue for me.’ They may be upset, even tearful, but they should count themselves lucky you aren’t totally tactless, eg. ‘You know Jabba the Hutt? That’s you in bed. Ew. Gross. Seriously, lose the lard or find someone else to shag, Fatty Arbuckle.’

Don’t indulge their fat jokes 

Men in particular think they can laugh off being fat, and will come up with bullshit like ‘Everyone needs a good pair of love handles!’. There’s no way to reply lightheartedly as it will just encourage them, so just say ‘No, they’re actually quite unpleasant’. God, you’ll look like a humourless bitch, but you might find you quite enjoy it. 

Compare them to slim people

There’s a right way and a wrong way to do this. Right way: ‘Wow, Jennifer Aniston is in great shape!’ Wrong way: ‘Your sister’s got big tits but the rest of her is slim. If we weren’t going out I’d definitely prefer her to you.’ Hopefully the difference doesn’t need explaining.

Completely lose patience and snap

If your hints and healthy cooking have f**k all impact, give in to frustration and have a weight-related meltdown, eg. ‘STOP EATING! NOBODY WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH A SPACE HOPPER. TAKE IT FROM ME, I KNOW!’ Ugly, but it might lead to a healthier lifestyle. Or getting dumped and seeing your happy, slimmed-down ex out and about with an attractive new partner months later and going home to cry. It’s not easy, losing weight.