Which awful poshos and celebs will be baby Archie's secret godparents?

THE Duke and Duchess of Sussex will appoint their son’s six secret godparents this weekend. But who will they be?

Serena Williams

The US tennis star has been chosen simply because she is the most indisputably A-list of Meghan’s friends, and as everyone knows that is all Meghan cares about. Will give Archie tennis lessons until realising he is a useless, unmotivated fop.

Charlie Van Strauzenbee

Aristocratic old schoolfriend of Harry who first introduced him to his historical hero, Generalfeldmarschall Erwin Rommel. Charlie will perform the ceremonial role of smashing a bottle of Pol Roger vintage champagne on the baby’s head then throwing him into the Thames as a public school jape. 

Stormzy

Included to try and keep Guardian readers on side, the 6ft 5ins rapper will perform creditably as a godparent but everyone will agree afterwards he didn’t really have the material and would have been better as godparent to the child of a minor royal like Eugenie. 

Captain James ‘Skullf*cker’ Mackenzie

An old army friend of Harry’s, serving SAS officer and registered psychopath with more than 200 confirmed kills under his belt, ‘Mac’ will regularly sit Archie down, ask who he’s having trouble with at school then go round to their house to ‘sort them out’ with a grenade. 

All women after two glasses of wine

Meghan’s biggest backers are every semi-inebriated woman in the world who bangs on about how marvellous she is after two glasses of Pinot Grigio, and they have been rewarded with a shared godparenthood. Will never be required to do anything or see the child, just like a real godparent. 

Piers Morgan

The man who Meghan says is “like a father to me” and is as beloved by the Royal family as he is by the rest of Britain could never be left out. Indeed, the christening will largely focus on how marvellous and irresistible to women Piers is, until the whole thing is revealed to be a lonely w*nk fantasy in the toilets at GMTV. 

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Anne Widdecombe's guide to slavery

WE’VE heard plenty about slavery involving Africans who suffered this and went through that. But what about the worst form of slavery in history, Britain’s subjugation by the EU?

Here I explain the unbelievable suffering inflicted on British people by the bureaucratic slave masters of Brussels since 1975.

Cruel and inhumane treatment

Slaves on cotton plantations faced terrible conditions: working in 90 degree temperatures and being whipped and beaten on a whim. However this was a walk in the park compared to being in the EU, who make us categorise our bananas and occasionally hear someone speak Polish.   

Being given slave names

‘Anne Widdecombe’ is not my real name – it was given to me by a cruel EU bureaucrat. From now on I am insisting on being known by my true Anglo-Saxon name, ‘Kunta Widdne’. I am sure this is all true and not something I dreamt during one of my naps. 

Having our freedom taken away

Like Africans wedged in slave ships bound for America, we British have had our freedom taken away – our freedom to strike trade deals with countries like Fiji, Togo and Christmas Island, which makes far more sense than dealing with far-off and rude nations like France.

Being bought and sold like animals

This was what African slaves faced, though if they had anything like the pampered lives of my pet dogs they had a jolly good deal! But seriously, now that the EU is making us all join its crackpot ‘EU army’ it’s only a matter of time before Britons are sold to dreadful foreigners called Hermann and made to pick sauerkraut all day.