Which awful poshos and celebs will be baby Archie’s secret godparents?

THE Duke and Duchess of Sussex will appoint their son’s six secret godparents this weekend. But who will they be?

Serena Williams

The US tennis star has been chosen simply because she is the most indisputably A-list of Meghan’s friends, and as everyone knows that is all Meghan cares about. Will give Archie tennis lessons until realising he is a useless, unmotivated fop.

Charlie Van Strauzenbee

Aristocratic old schoolfriend of Harry who first introduced him to his historical hero, Generalfeldmarschall Erwin Rommel. Charlie will perform the ceremonial role of smashing a bottle of Pol Roger vintage champagne on the baby’s head then throwing him into the Thames as a public school jape. 

Stormzy

Included to try and keep Guardian readers on side, the 6ft 5ins rapper will perform creditably as a godparent but everyone will agree afterwards he didn’t really have the material and would have been better as godparent to the child of a minor royal like Eugenie. 

Captain James ‘Skullf*cker’ Mackenzie

An old army friend of Harry’s, serving SAS officer and registered psychopath with more than 200 confirmed kills under his belt, ‘Mac’ will regularly sit Archie down, ask who he’s having trouble with at school then go round to their house to ‘sort them out’ with a grenade. 

All women after two glasses of wine

Meghan’s biggest backers are every semi-inebriated woman in the world who bangs on about how marvellous she is after two glasses of Pinot Grigio, and they have been rewarded with a shared godparenthood. Will never be required to do anything or see the child, just like a real godparent. 

Piers Morgan

The man who Meghan says is “like a father to me” and is as beloved by the Royal family as he is by the rest of Britain could never be left out. Indeed, the christening will largely focus on how marvellous and irresistible to women Piers is, until the whole thing is revealed to be a lonely w*nk fantasy in the toilets at GMTV.