Clueless wife fails to see investment potential of sci-fi figures

A MAN’S wife somehow cannot grasp that his figurines of Iron Man, Darth Maul and Ripley from Alien are an excellent investment.

Tom Logan’s wife Kate somehow believes his collection of sci-fi and fantasy ‘collectables’ are overpriced tat, not realising they are the valuable art treasures of the future.

Logan, 43, said: “Kate just doesn’t get that a 10” limited edition figure of Captain Picard can only go up in value from the entirely reasonable £44.95 I paid for it.

“She’s stuck in the mindset that art is just pictures by famous painters rather than scale models of the Battlestar Galactica. I hate to say it, but she just doesn’t have my aesthetic sense. Or my nose for a good investment.

“My portfolio is growing in value with the addition of each new Borg and xenomorph. I’ve currently got L3-37 from Solo: A Star Wars Story on order from Amazon. It’s important to stay ahead of the art market.

“I’m not buying them for me, it’s an investment for our kids. One day they’ll probably pay for their own children to go to university by reluctantly selling this beautiful figure of Doctor Strange.” 

Kate Logan said: “Sorry, but these are just toys for grown men. I certainly hope so, otherwise yesterday when I was dusting I think I broke a priceless Ewok.”

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The moron's guide to using self-service checkouts

SCANNING your own shopping provides excellent opportunities for annoying other customers. Here’s how to make everyone behind you want to ram a courgette up your arse.

Scan like a simpleton

If your item won’t register, don’t simply locate the barcode and make it go through. Just keep swinging that bag of potatoes past the scanner like a malfunctioning robot no one can turn off.

Have a chat

Don’t wait to go to Costa to chat to your partner about the fantastic discount you got on those cheap kids’ pyjamas. Do it at the scanner where there’s a captive audience, who are sure to be happy for you. 

Bag your shopping annoyingly

Put all your items into the bagging area, then only AFTER you’ve paid slowly start to load them into whatever wanky hessian ‘Bag for Life’ you’ve brought. 

Buy loads of alcohol that requires a cashier

Don’t take your massive booze shop to a normal checkout. The flashing light is like a disco ball designed to get you into party mood!

Treat it as a fun game for your kids

It’s all technology these days, innit? And what better way to give your kids a head start in life than by letting them scan your shopping in a delightful family learning experience lasting up to 15 minutes.

Make a phone call

There’s no better time to catch up with your mum than when you’re trying to tap the code for satsumas into the scanner. And you’ll have something fascinating to gripe about, ie. “Bloody technology!”