Why my Andrew wouldn't do nuffink like what they said he done, by the Queen

SO I’ve been reading the papers, giving it all this about my boy Andrew and I was all set to get in the car and go down to that Fleet Street and ask some of them editors outside. 

Some of the things they said he got up to was disgusting. Tells you a lot more about the dirty minds of the people who think up this stuff than it does my boy. C’mon, you slags, let’s have this out on the f**king pavement. That’s what I’d have said to them.

And these girls, what about their parents? Them’s who I blame. Letting them out, going all round the world, parading themselves, trying to marry up. Well not with my Andrew! 

Anyway, he says he don’t remember nuffink ‘cos he was having pizza at the time and them photos, well it was probably one of those lookalikes like that old bird who pretends to be me.

He deserves the Victoria Cross for what he done getting our Falklands back off the Argies. Blood, sweat and tears he gave. Well, not sweat, obviously. Imagine not being able to f**king sweat! Poor little lad must be hot all the time.

A mum’s not supposed to have favourites but when you’ve got such a lovely, handsome, brave boy like my Andrew, well, it’s impossible, innit?

So lay off him. I’ll clout you with my f**king crown if you start messing. He’s still a bachelor boy holding out for a nice suitable girl so hands off.

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Six football teams exclusively supported by twats

SOME football shirts indicate that you’re a twat from a mile off. If you’re a fan of one of these clubs know that you’re judged by everyone: 

West Ham

Get the obvious one out of the way first. West Ham supporters are the worst kind of people to have in your life, your league or your train carriage. At least Millwall have the good grace to stay in a lower division and the excuse of always being shit to explain their thuggery.

Paris Saint-Germain

A fantasy football team with an unlimited budget playing in a league that can’t compete, supporting this team means supporting a seven-year-old’s conception of what the game should be. Even worse now they’ve added Messi on a free, which is basically cheating.


Definitely the more repellent half of the Old Firm rivalry, perhaps because they’ve no Pope of Rome to provide spiritual guidance. In a movie going into administration and rising back up the ranks would be a journey that made the team and their fans better people. In real life? No.


What, you thought a diagnosis of clinical twattishness was reserved for rowdy, working-class clubs? Nope. Fulham fans all live in six-bed townhouses in Chelsea and gather in overpriced London pubs to drink Aperol Spritzes before the match. Piss off to rugby.

Manchester United

Obviously. Used to be preening, entitled wankers who won everything and now win bugger all but don’t appear to have noticed. Every teenager boy and his pit bull became Man U fans in the 90s and 00s and still make the day-trip to see them from their homes in Hertfordshire, Surrey and Devon.

Tottenham Hotspur

One we can all agree on, Spurs supporters really are the crème de la crème of twat – and most of their own fans would heartily agree. The only club to have hired Mourinho entirely for his loathsome spirit-destroying qualities, which they recognised as their own.