Wills and Kate 'want to have two children and steal hundreds more'

PRINCE William wants to have two children with his wife while commandeering hundreds more to work as slaves in his palace.

As part of their official visit to South East Asia, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are inspecting dozens of potential candidates to become part of the couple’s ‘extended family’ of kitchen porters, horse polishers and garden utensils.

William said: “Catherine and I adore children. Except when they disobey a reasonable request to sit perfectly still while balancing an apple on their head.

“They fail to understand that firing a crossbow at an apple that is balanced on a gatepost or a dog is fundamentally unrewarding.”

He added: “Being a parent and a prince will be very challenging. As well as choosing the right people to raise our children we will have to choose the right people to identify, lure and capture our army of happy volunteers.”

The couple’s visit to the region is both part of the Queen’s diamond jubilee celebrations and a fact finding mission on the stamina and work ethic of Malaysian toddlers.

The prince added: “Unlike British infants, Asian children under the age of two have tremendous focus on the task in hand. They’re like R2-D2 or WALL-E.

“For example, this one would be great at carrying a large sack of beetroot or a side of pork.”



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80s free school launched

A RETRO fanatic has set up a free school providing a traditional 1980s education.

Stephen Malley was concerned that conventional schools were unable to provide the experiences of his own childhood, such as pink custard, programming a BBC Micro to endlessly scroll the words ‘Daves gay’, and kicking someone’s head in for not liking The Jam.

Logan said: “Here at the Le Bon Academy we’re getting back to 1980s basics. Not one of our pupils will leave without a ludicrously vast knowledge of glacial landforms or being able to name all the members of Ultravox.

“We are also opposed to the risk-averse culture of modern schools, and instead have taken the 1980s approach of completely ignoring all health and safety guidance.

“One of our pupils recently lost an eye during a playful chisel fight in the woodwork room. Instead of suing the school, his father simply clipped him round the ear and told him to stop being a poof.

“Similarly, our PE teacher, Mr Finch Hatton, is clearly a pervert who recently made the third years play football wearing only their Y-fronts. But in the 1980s most people hadn’t heard of paedophiles, so we just regard him as a bit odd.”

Logan admitted that setting up the school had not been without problems, including an outbreak of scurvy due to the school canteen only serving gristle sausages, powdered mashed potato and green jelly.

Second-year pupil Wayne Hayes said: “It’s really different to my old school. I’m practically an expert on cosines, even though I haven’t got a clue what they’re for.

“We’re having a Fun Day tomorrow to mark the sinking of the Belgrano.”