Woman marries Ant and Dec

A WOMAN unknowingly married Ant and Dec in a polygamous wedding ceremony in Newcastle.

Bride Ali Astall believed she was marrying either Ant or Dec, only to discover at the end of the ceremony that both presenters were now her husbands.

The Saturday Night Takeway hosts told a shocked Astall of their boyhood agreement to do everything together, including marrying the same woman.

But after her initial horror, Astall admitted it made sense, adding: “I’ve always been attracted to either Ant or Dec.  Now I have found my other two thirds.”

Reverend Bill McKay, who officiated the ceremony, said: ”Some might call a three-person marriage unnatural, but  separating Ant and Dec would be far more unnatural.”

After the ceremony, Ant and Dec addressed guests with pre-scripted, family-friendly banter, with Ant or Dec saying “There’s three people in this marriage,” and Dec or Ant adding  “If you count the bride!”, until they broke for adverts.

The trio also confirmed that they will have equal custody over their large-foreheaded children, who will grow up to have cheeky grins.

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Cat wins every fight by just getting in there instead of staring for ages

A CAT has realised that it can beat up any other cat by cutting out the preliminary staring.

Three-year-old cat Wayne Hayes regularly lost fights because he did the typical thing of staring directly into the other cat’s eyes while maintaining a rigid pose.

He said: “I am not a big cat and I was getting my territory reduced on a weekly basis.

“Then it dawned on me to cut out the standard pre-fight ritual of edging towards the other cat while we stare at each other.

“Instead, when I see another cat I just run straight down the garden and jump on its back, battering it about the face and neck with my paws.

“It works every time, I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before.”

However eight-year-old cat Roy Hobbs said: “Staring motionlessly at your opponent is a time-honoured tradition that gives both parties time to consider their position and possibly get shouted at by a garden owner.

“You can’t just run at another cat and start fucking it up, this isn’t WWE wrestling or something.”