Anything with a four-star review definitely shit, Edinburgh punters warned

EDINBURGH festival audiences have been warned to avoid anything that critics have tepidly praised with a four-star review.

As the city’s festival of performance and narcissism begins, researchers claimed that a moderately warm four star review indicated something not worthwhile, yet sufficiently pretentious that reviewers are scared to slag it off.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Critics are a bovine bunch of idiots, and four stars is the universally-accepted code for ‘I don’t really like this but I feel afraid’.

“A typical four star show will feature a bunch of tall youths making fart noises, but the stage will be designed to look like a massive television.

“It’s what your mum would call ‘a bit different’.”

He added: “You’re better off with a one-star show if you want to see something genuinely uncomfortable, or a three-star show for slickly reliable telly-style ‘industrial comedy’ about household gadgets.

Professor Brubaker claims that four-star film and performance does not exist: “Quantum of Solace is a good example of a ‘four star’ film. It has a convincing veneer of being quite good, but it is shit.”

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Kate’s scuba certificate part of elaborate escape plan

THE Duchess of Cambridge is planning a daring escape from the Royal Family involving a faked shark attack and a mini submarine.

The Duchess insisted her latest scuba diving certificate was for ‘leisure activities’, but sources say she is just weeks away from starting a new life.

A Palace insider said: “The pretext will be a holiday in Mustique, during which she will go diving and use a load of fake blood to stage a phoney shark attack.

“While a desperate rescue attempt is underway she will be getting into a mini-submarine that she hid there earlier this year.

“She then takes the submarine to a mega yacht moored several miles away, removes her scuba suit, goes to the bathroom and dyes her hair blonde.

“She then emerges, takes the controls of the yacht and begins her new life of international jewel theft and secret kung fu tournaments.”

The source added: “A heartbroken Prince William will fly his helicopter day and night and the children will end up being raised by Gary Barlow.”