Man hands teddy bear into lost property instead of putting it on social media

TWITTER and Facebook users are hunting for a man who failed to turn a lost toy into a viral internet phenomenon.

The teddy bear was left on a Carlisle-bound train but has yet to be photographed in exotic locations around the world or appear in a stop-motion film.

Twitter user Nikki Hollis said: “Somewhere a sad little child is asking why his favourite toy isn’t trending.

“Every morning he’ll rush downstairs to see if it’s sent him a postcard from Paris as part of one man’s voyage of self-discovery and bid to recapture the magic of childhood, but there’ll be nothing.

“Instead it’s probably sat on a shelf next to a load of umbrellas and a false leg. The child is probably going to get it back really soon. What a waste.”

Psychiatrists have speculated on the man’s motive for not using the abandoned toy as some metaphor for his own unfulfilled life and have concluded that it is probably because he is not an arsehole.

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Thousands sigh before reluctantly picking a Fantasy Football team

BRITONS have lethargically picked the Fantasy Football team that will keep them entertained for a fortnight before being forgotten about.

Thousands of people have painstakingly assembled the team in a process similar to completing a tax return but without the threat of prosecution.

Tom Logan, from Peterborough, said:“It was fun for the first couple of minutes when I signed Christian Benteke and Harry Kane, but before long I was scouring Bournemouth for defenders I could afford and wishing I could just outsource the whole thing.

“I’m not sure what kind of fantasy this is supposed to be.”

The joyless annual ritual has been observed since 1991 but no participant has ever made it beyond Christmas still able to name three of their players.

Stephen Malley said: “I woke up in a cold sweat last March wondering how my fantasy team was getting on.

“It turned out that most of them were injured or had moved abroad. Some players I thought I’d picked had in fact retired in the 1990s. I couldn’t help but feel partly responsible.”