New laid-back automated checkout doesn’t give a shit what’s in the bagging area

TESCO’S new automated till has the character of a divorced middle-aged woman with a borderline drink problem.

The supermarket confirmed that it would be replacing its intolerably uptight till with a slapdash, mildly flirtatious version that doesn’t care about the bagging area because it is preoccupied with its hangover.

A Tesco spokesman said: “The new ‘Susan’ till just wants to get through the day without throwing up.

“She’s just left a bad marriage and is torn between the desire to have drunken fun in local nightclubs and a sense of responsibility for her kids, Shane and Jenny, who are spending a lot of time with their grandmother.

“With all that on her plate she doesn’t give a fuck about what’s in the bagging area. She just wants to get these groceries processed as quickly as possible so that she can have a cigarette.

“She likes tall men though and will try to get their number.”

The ‘Susan’ till said: “I tell you what’s an ‘unexpected item’ – my ex’s support payment when it arrives on time.

“Is that a bag of oranges? Let’s just say it’s oranges.”

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World beginning to realise that sport is evil

SPORT is an entirely negative influence on humanity, it has been confirmed.

Following the latest doping scandal in athletics, experts believe it is past time that everyone stopped doing sport.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Sport might seem exciting when shown in a jazzy montage on a television advert for a soft drink, but in reality it is very dull.

“Quite apart from everybody injecting themselves with monkey glands, nobody likes athletics. It’s like amateur dramatics in that the participants quite enjoy it while the audience is thinking about what they’re going to have for tea.

“Footballers are just a bunch of overpaid knobhead philanderers with weirdly geometric hair transplants, while the fans are inexplicably angry with each other because of geographical differences.

“Cycling is weird and essentially for people who are too boring even to be Christians.

“Cricket is just cricket, no further explanation needed, it’s shit.

“I think darts and snooker are okay, let’s keep them and board games.”