Your guide to being unhinged about Meghan on the internet

WANT to stand out from the online mob of Meghan haters? Here’s how to leave a comment that makes even the most deranged uneasy: 

Abandon all perspective

There’s a pandemic going on, you haven’t seen your parents since November and you might lose your job due to bloody Brexit, so definitely prioritise your hatred for a woman you don’t know and never will. Use the last of your monthly data posting venomous shite like ‘Family-wrecking b-i-t-c-h Diana wuold be weeping in here grave!!!’

Call for her trial and execution

Treason is a crime, Meghan has committed treason, we have laws in this country. The logic is undeniable. And, as older Britons think the Army is the solution to every problem from negotiating with the EU to bored youths gathering under lampposts, your argument that they can find time for a quick televised show trial will go viral in minutes.

Assume intimate knowledge of her motivations

As some random bellend posting bollocks all day, it’s easy for you to watch four to five minutes of interview footage and understand instantly exactly why Meghan has made the decisions she’s made. Why is why you’re posting ‘How long before harry murdurs Wills so this cow can be are Queen?’ at 9.06pm.

Do not expect the entirely expectable

Meghan is an LA luvvie who’s into feelings and whatnot, while Harry is a spare heir. Talking to Oprah and doing charity work is precisely what you’d expect them to do. Disingenuously suggest they ‘could learn a proper trade, like plumbing’ or that Harry could fall back on his experience and become a hired killer.

Angrily and implausibly deny your racism

Racist? What? How could anyone even think that? Shocked, defend yourself by passionately arguing that race is nothing to do with it and you hate Meghan for pure, untainted reasons, just like you used to hate Diana.

Just be utterly, utterly bonkers

Is Harry suffering from the inherited madness of King George III? Is Meghan a loyal sex puppet of Jeffrey Epstein, who is not really dead? Are they promoting a woke agenda to undermine Trump? Insane questions like this will help your anti-Meghan comment stand out. Though not by much.

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Daily Mail readers prepare for their Two Hours Hate

DAILY Mail readers are looking forward to settling down on the sofa to pour out undiluted hatred for two continuous hours. 

The readers, who have been anticipating their hideous ecstasy of fear and vindictiveness ever since it was announced, cannot wait to let loose with every ounce of the loathing and malice that poisons their souls.

Susan Traherne said: “9pm, ITV, straight after Corrie. I can feel my hatred curdling already.

“I’ll try and listen to what the evil, calculating bitch has to say, just so it can spur me to hitherto undiscovered peaks of self-righteous rage, but the very sight of her will probably have me screaming incoherently.

“It’ll be the same all down our close. Anyone walking past will hear ‘Goldigging monster!’ ‘Pushy, vile cow!’ ‘Trapped him! She’s trapped him!’ and ‘Jumped-up little actress with her claws into everything right and good about this country!’ coming out the double-glazing.

“We won’t swear because we’re decent people, but I do think they should bring back the death penalty for what she’s done to the Queen. The SAS should kidnap her and double-tap her on the deck of an aircraft carrier. That’s fair.

“I am looking forward to this. I haven’t had a good hate since they sorted out the Brexit.”