Drivers Face Ban On Driving In Cars

BRITAIN’S top road safety campaigners are demanding a ban on ‘driving at the wheel’ in an attempt to cut the number of car crashes. 

Evidence proves that almost all serious motor accidents involve at least one moving vehicle containing a person with his or her hands on a steering wheel.

The campaigners claim all accidents would stop overnight if these people were banned from touching steering wheels completely, and restricted to sitting in their cars and smoking instead.

Bill Tweedle, a leading authority on road safety in Britain, said: “It is so obvious we cannot understand why no one has banned it already. I mean, have you ever seen a car crash itself?

“Human beings are basically incapable of simultaneously performing complex tasks such as looking where they are going and not driving full speed kamikaze-style into rock hard objects.

“It’s a scientific fact that travelling at over five miles per hour starves the brain of oxygen and deforms the internal organs. It’s not natural, and women in particular should not do it.”

Mr Tweedle said the campaigners had compiled a dossier of evidence linking driving at the wheel to car crashes that it would pass to the Departments of Health and Transport this week.

He said: “We left an old car with no engine or wheels in the middle of a field for two years and not once was it involved in a fatal collision. How much more proof do you want?”

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Brown Pledges 650 New 'Gordontowns'

GORDON Brown has pledged to build 650 new ideologically-friendly towns across Britain when he becomes Prime Minister.

Mr Brown said the new towns would each hold 100,000 people and be built in every constituency in the country.

The building project would coincide with a massive, nationwide compulsory purchase and demolition programme.

Under the Chancellor's plan, within five years every citizen will be housed in a Gordontown and be able to enjoy a wonderful range of 21st century amenities including vast libraries full of books about public spending, a swimming pool named after a great Scottish socialist and a Ken Loach 12-Screen Showcase Cinerama.

Every Friday evening the citizens in each Gordontown will gather in the square in front of a massive screen and watch Paul Gascoigne's goal against Scotland in Euro '96 over and over again.

They will then listen to a three hour speech in which Mr Brown will explain, in minute detail, the values that moulded him as a young boy in Fife.

In order to promote national unity all the inhabitants of English Gordontowns will speak in Scottish accents and vice versa

A spokesman for the Chancellor's campaign said: "Although citizens will not be required to vote Labour, records will be kept and anyone failing to support the government will have their gas, electricity, water and phone cut off until they acknowledge the moral force of Mr Brown's arguments."