Antagonists claim to prefer the weather like this

DELIBERATELY antagonistic people are claiming to prefer the wet weather just to provoke arguments.

“It’s not as clammy”

Following a drop in temperature and severe storms, those who relish being controversial have been talking loudly about how much pleasanter it is.

56-year-old bitter divorcee Roy Hobbs said: “It’s horrible when it’s hot, you can’t sleep at night, there are insects everywhere and you have to wear shorts which makes you look like a cartoon character.

“It suits me much better when it is torrential rain all day. At least you can get some work done.

“That’s what I think. You probably have some sort of problem with that, don’t you? Not that I care.”

87-year-old Mary Fisher said: “Rain is the weather for me. The sun hurts my eyes, I hate it. And it’s too hot for the dog.

“It’s just a shame you can’t do any of the things you enjoy doing, like going to the seaside or the park. Still, it’s better for me.

“Also, I prefer big dogs to puppies. Puppies are shit. Aren’t they?”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “These are the kind of people who will swear blind that Jaws II is better than Jaws, just because it isn’t.

“They will die alone.”

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I know real police, warns PCSO

POLICE community support officer Tom Booker has warned some kids that he can get the real police onto them.

36-year-old Booker happened upon a group of youths breaking into a car, and swung into action with threats to summon some people who have powers of arrest.

Booker said: “All I have to do is speak into this walkie-talkie and the police will come, depending on how busy they are with other stuff.

“I know lots of real police, in fact I am mates with them.

“I’ve been in a police car twice.”