Big rise in firms planning to hire staff and pay them f*ck all

BRITAIN has seen a sharp rise in the number of firms planning to hire staff, pay them next to nothing and treat them like farm animals.

City accountants Donnelly-McPartlin found that a record number of employers are planning to concoct a cynical, dishonest job advert and then exploit the hell out of the successful candidates.

A spokesman said: “It’s an exciting time to be a boss in Britain. There are so many new opportunities to turn fresh, hopeful human beings into meat robots.

“Just convince them – with the help of the media and mainstream political parties – that work is virtuous. Then throw some coins at their feet and maybe a voucher to see a film about a talking dog.”

Martin Bishop, managing director of some fucking PR firm, said: “It’s even better if you work in an industry which 22 year-old morons think is faintly glamorous. They’re basically volunteer slaves.

“Some days I have to pinch myself. By which I mean I get one of my slaves to pinch me.”

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Supermoon an excuse to be annoying

BRITAIN’S dicks have used the ‘supermoon’ to excuse their awful personalities. 

Engineer Wayne Hayes said: “When my neighbour caught me shitting in his garden last night I just pointed at the sky and gave him a ‘what can you do?’ shrug.

“The irony was that such a bright moon meant he could see exactly what kind of mess I was leaving his lawn in.

“It was three months ago that his car partially blocked my drive but it’s been well worth the wait.

“There’s another one due in September of next year so let’s wait and see whether he bothers sending a Christmas card.”

The phenomenon is known by astronomers as a Perigee moon, named after Perigus, the Greek god of being intolerable.

In ancient times it was marked by a Perigean festival, where villagers would come together to interrupt each other’s conversations, spill each other’s tankards of mead and talk loudly about how much their hovel had gone up in value.

Yesterday’s supermoon will be followed by the Perseid meteor shower on Tuesday, which many will use as an excuse for forgetting to feed their pets.